I had a difficult session yesterday, it was the first time I contemplated walking out of the therapist’s office.
I’m not that great with anger. It takes me a lot to get riled up properly, mostly because of the ultimate pet hate, which is:
1) When someone talks in the 3rd person.
Hayley gets very annoyed by this. Hayley feels that people should stop talk do you know what? I can’t even do it. I can’t even write in the 3rd person because it pisses me off so much. It just screams delusions of grandeur.
This irritates me so much that my none of my family members would ever talk in the 3rd person because my rage would overflow and I would have to leave the room.
I’m exaggerating (I’m not) but this is how the majority of my anger is dealt with. It’s jokey anger, I’ll laugh as I cringe and go to my room to be alone if I’m frustrated. But I’ve realised that people not understanding me is a real source of anger for me. I find shouting and slamming doors futile: why shout at people who don’t understand? It’s not usually their fault.
I thought that my therapist understood me – I think she does now, now that I cried for almost all of the last session with frustration because it makes perfect sense to me that taking part in a documentary is easier than going for a walk for 30 minutes everyday.
I know some people don’t understand Eating Disorders. When I studied PTSD for my dissertation I didn’t understand how someone could be transported back to when the trauma happened and relive it as if they were there. I can read about it and empathise, but I’ll never understand it like someone who has experienced it.
And still, some people with Eating Disorders hold down full time jobs and wear shorts in summer and can go to the beach without too much distress – this isn’t my experience, I can’t fully understand that.
Going for a half hour walk everyday is… indescribably difficult. I think I finally put the joking aside and was able to show my therapist just how excruciating it is for me to leave the house. I have to pick what to wear, what I’ll feel comfortable in, regarding weather – I don’t want to be too hot but I also don’t want to show any skin. Do I take my mp3 player? It could help block out the outside world but what if I get out of breath and I’m breathing really loudly and I can’t hear myself but others can and they know I’m unfit and overweight and they’ll think I just overeat because I like food? And where do I go? If I go to the shops will I be able to not buy chocolate, and if I do how much do I buy, and will there be popcorn? And what will the sales assistants think of me? What if they say anything? And if I don’t go to the shop where do I go? And what if I get tired or panic or what if I don’t walk anywhere?
The thoughts that remind me of anxiety cat just go on and on, so that I don’t go for a walk and then I’ve failed. And then I feel terrible. Misunderstood and a failure.
And I have failed at walking for 30 minutes everyday, because my therapist suggested we make it 15 minutes everyday, and now I feel like a head case, and so so far from being able to cope with food, and losing weight, and being happy.
I like to have a bit of clarity and a meaning behind my posts but on this one I’m kind of stumped. My therapist said it might be my behaviours are so ingrained (I’m been hiding my body and hiding away inside at every opportunity throughout the last decade) that it’s going to take a lot of time and hard work to finally change.
I’m sick of waiting though, of dealing with these problems. What if I can’t get better? What if I’m doomed to yo-yo in weight until I give up altogether and collect cats for every year of spinsterhood? I’ve succeeded in weight loss before and it was euphoric… but the gain was so horrible that I don’t want to go back there again.
Eurgh. There. I’ve had an unedited moan. Any words of wisdom would be very helpful right about now.
Hayley Emma
P.s. Does anyone know what happened to Eating Disorder Memes?
Oh my lord Emma. I could have written that. I hope you realize it’s not ‘your weight talking’ but your ‘ED talking’. I had it when I was severely underweight. Its our brains driving us nuts.
Did you fear going out in public before your ED/mental health shizzle kicked in? Is it the ‘old Hayley Emma’ or is it the ‘disordered Emma’ who fear going out? For me, I was always insecure. Going out was never fun. But my ED made it a gazillion times worse, like, all new dimensions. And it simply became impossible. I would lie awake for NIGHTS just at the thought of having to leave the house! Which would lead to complete disaster (no sleep + anxiety = breakdown guaranteed) and which would lead to me staying in because it was all too much and that would lead me to feeling even more horrible (and even more prone to engage in EDehaviour!) which would make leaving the house next time even MORE difficult (ahhh gotta love some self-destructive cycles no?).
For me it helped if someone went with me. ‘Distraction is key’. So, walking to my aunt (3 doors down) was impossible when alone, but when my niece (3yrs old) would ask me to go outside I could not say no (she’s three! Try and say no to a three year old. She’ll kill you with her eyes ánd with her tantrum straight up). Plus, holding her hand and pretending I was the one guiding her (though it was the opposite; I wouldnt have left the house if I hadnt had her hand to hold in the first place) would make me able to ‘pretend’ like I was the big girl. And that way I could go out. Or with my mum. And later with our dog. But it always took hours to ‘prepare’ (get dressed seven times and end up wearing the same thing again anyway) and most of the time it took a ‘reason’ (or a ‘have to’) as well. And it took months.
You have no idea how often I managed to leave and then turned back halfway somewhere. How many times I didn’t make it to Uni because all of a sudden I couldnt understand where on earth I found the courage to leave the house at all in the first place, let alone actually go somewhere and face PEOPLE.
The more my ED shrunk, the better I got at it. I still struggle sometimes, on hard days (= more ED in my head-days). What I found was crucial was NOT giving in to that ‘flood of anxiety’ that would flush on. If I even for a tiny second admit that ‘oh yeah maybe I can just not go’ then I wouldnt be able to do it. That tiiiiiiny moment of considering giving control to that ‘voice’ was enough to make it absolutely impossible. Still now, if I consider the thought of maybe not going somewhere, the moment will take over and it’ll become impossible.
Please just know that it IS possible. That you’ll have to find tricks that’ll fool your own mind. To make it possible even just a few times and take it from there. And know you’re not the only one struggling and that it has nothing to do with your weight. This was me when I was half the weight of now (litterally) as well as now, still, every now and then.
Big hug! XSooz
Oh and I had to tell you this. This morning I panicked. I didnt wanna go, I couldnt. Stayed in bed for a little too long hoping I’d then be too late. Then took a shower (also too long) and then I realized I wrote you this comment yesterday saying that when you let it get to you, you can’t win. So I got properly pissed off at myself. And I ran out the door (litterally) to ignore the feelings and voices and run for my train. And I made it. And my heart was all over the place in anxiety (and lack of fitness hihi) but fuck it, I went to class. Beat that, stupidhead’o'mine
Aww Sooz, thank you for this comment! It’s nice to know (in a not nice way) that it isn’t so much my weight as my ED, i tend to forget this because all i focus on it my weight.
I think i’ve always found it difficult but i’ve been embarrassed of my body since i was about 8 so i don’t really know any different. Going on a walk with someone is so much easier! It’s cute that you took your niece and she was looking after you rather than the other way round
I totally understand, i thought if i ever got a dog it would kind of be that way – the dog would be taking me for a walk rather than the other way around. I’m not comparing your niece to a dog though, please don’t take that the wrong way haha.
Congratulations on kicking butt and not giving into the anxiety! That’s brilliant, i LOVE that you thought of your comment and it encouraged you, because it came from you, so you encouraged yourself… win! Thank you Sooz, i’ll continue reading all of your old post on your blog asap
xx
ED memes was shut down by tumblr, but moved to http://memeed.tumblr.com/
=)
As far as everything else goes… all I can do is send massive hugs and say I get it. *squish*
The ‘squish’ was so cute! Thank you, squishes back to you
And I can’t believe tumblr shut it down, it’s so good! Thanks for the link xx
Just the post title really resonated with me – inside I like to think I can be tough, threatening, aggressive and intimidating when I need to be. It sounds awful but I would love to be feared, a person who people are scared to death to cross or anger because my entire life I have been a victim and a doormat. I play scenarios in my head where I confront people verbally or physically and come out on top, but it never works out that way in real life. I crumble at the first sign of conflict, and I am physically about as intimidating as a Hobbit. Just as the post title indicates, when I am angry I am also furious at my inability to channel and/or express my anger and so typically I resort to crying instead due to frustration and the feeling of being pathetic.
The process you describe is very similar to the train of thought that kept me trapped in the house for an entire year (and I still have my moments, for sure). I’m not sure how to advise as it was only the incentive of losing weight by going to the gym and later the urge to run that forced me to metaphorically break down that front door. The anticipation of going out is always far, far worse than that first step outside…is there no-one that you could perhaps persuade to accompany you on your walks for some emotional support? I do wish I lived closer because I would happily walk with you for 15 or 30 minutes, or even an hour a day (except I’d probably bore you too much with my idea of conversation
)
xxx
First of all, this made me laugh a lot – ‘I am physically about as intimidating as a Hobbit.’ – You don’t look like a hobbit, but it made me laugh haha.
I can understand completely about wanting to be intimidating – I used to think that would be good because at least then i wouldn’t be thought of the quiet fat girl. But when i lost a lot of weight and girls started to give me bitchy looks i was alarmed, and the worst was when people would look at me like i WAS intimidating, like because i’d lost weight i was better than them. And i felt awful about it, because i don’t want anyone to feel bad about themselves, and i still felt terrible about my weight even though i was slimmer… eurgh.
Moving on from that ramble, i wish we could go for a walk! Move to Bristol please, so we can moan about our weight (even though i would still remind you that you’re not fat) and our EDs
xx
Hi Hayley! Please don’t be so harsh on yourself. I relate to a lot you have written. Life is a bundle of fear for me, especially related to anything that involves leaving my home. We’ve learnt that people are cruel, but our own ‘voice’ is actually the cruellest of all and nothing’s ever good enough. I find it so hard to go out there because I am so scared of not being ‘okay’ and I’m convinced that everyone who sets eyes on me will straight away see how wrong I am, and that I don’t belong, and that I’m just… really wrong. I used to spend hours trying to ‘camoflage’ that. Hours trying on clothes to try and look like a human being, doing my hair, etc, and I’d just look worse than ever. And then the what ifs.. what if I bumped into someone I knew? What if someone was nasty to me? What if I got lost or went to the wrong place? What if I was late or missed the bus or train? What if anyone saw me at all? I couldn’t bear anyone seeing me. Depression on top of anxiety, just made me so, so weary and it all got too hard. In the end I’d just go hide in bed again and forget it.
Don’t feel you are a failure – you are not. This thing is a 2 steps forward, one step back kind of journey. You have done amazing things lately – that documentary, got a job, etc! We can’t do all things at once. Sometimes we set goals that are in themselves overwhelming – it makes sense to start somewhere that’s realistic. many people without the problems we have struggle to walk for 30 mins a day.
I totally relate to the anxieties when around food out in public. I think because I’m so full of fear/anxiety about it, everyone around me automatically is picking up on that. I go shopping with helpers from home and community care and even with them, I’m overwhelmed with fear. Without them it would be impossible. But when food is involved in anything – it’s not about the people around me anymore anyway. It’s the food. Isn’t it sad that something so integral to life is filled with such dread for us? That something others take for granted and enjoy is a minefield of potential disasters.
I hope one day we are set free to enjoy what life offers us to the full – to go out and fully experience the world we are in, and to share food and drink-involved outings with loved ones without anxiety taking over. I hope we just get set free to LIVE, full stop. We’ve just gotta keep trying, and keep believing! And if there is one thing I can totally promise you, it’s that I believe in you! Never give up, because you are definitely getting there one step at a time.
lots of love xx
Urgh it’s so sad but i feel the same – spending so long trying to make yourself look normal actually ends up making you feel so far from normal. It’s so odd.
I’m glad you go shopping with helpers to get your through, i could see how although it’s still very scary, if you have someone there to help it would be achievable. Thank you for this comment Fiona
I have missed you on my blogging break! Hope you’re well, lots of love xx
I’ve missed you so much – I’m so glad you are back <3
I think I know what you mean about being spoken to ‘in the third person’ My counsellor does it too, when she asks me things… “What does ‘Brandon’ want?”, etc. It bugs me and makes me feel as though she’s implying that I have a multiple-personality disorder or something (no offence or disrespect to anyone who does suffer with that condition).
I also have similar fears about going out for walks (what to wear, who might I see). It’s hard for me to ‘accept’ sometimes but, I realise that most people I pass on my way often look and feel no more comfortable than I may feel. It’s almost mutual. You don’t know whether to say ‘hi’, smile or even to make eye contact as you pass. It’s the same both ways; we’re all human.
My counsellor does that too! It bugs me but kind of makes it easier to see some situations… still, very annoying. True, i suppose we all have our hang ups, we’re just so focused on our own we don’t notice anyone elses
xx
I think you are so brave… I’m still here. Supporting you and cheering for you, all the way across the Atlantic.
When you forget how amazing you are, try to see yourself the way we do.
This is the loveliest comment
Thank you Jennifer! If you ever forget, come looking for me, i will remind you how awesome you are 
xx
Oh my dear….you know that “What if I don’t get better?” is the absolute worst way to approach this. If you’re ever going to get better, you HAVE to believe that there is hope for you. We can believe it for you all we want, but that’s not going to make you better. We love you so much girl, don’t forget to love yourself though!
I agree! I once wrote a post about it when my PT asked me if I believed in recovery. You HAVE to believe it yourself, and if not, fake the belief. Fake it until you actually do start believing it too. Like fake smiling, it works. Make it your own self-fulfilling prophecy. Fake you believe in it. Start believing it. Make it happen. I’m quite convinced anything’s possible if we truly believe we can make it happen and put our everything in!
Thank you, Sooz! I FIRMLY believe in the power to create our own happiness! You can do ANYTHING if you put your mind to it! It sounds cliche, but the truth is, IT’S TRUE! Believe that it’s true, take the steps to DO it, and you can accomplish any goal you want! I mean, why not? ^_^
http://mundanebrain.wordpress.com/2011/10/09/self-fulfilling-prophecies-part-ii-motivational-monday/ And then there’s a link to the “former” post on it as well. I think we can ‘happify’ our lives if we just… do it. Nike-style
just….A big hug and everything my girl Sooz said but start right here….with what Miss P is saying….
that negative what if you got going in there? Kick it’s azz out the door. For real. That will kill ya quicker than anything. It’s fear.
REFUSE to think that way. It’s just gonna be hard and it’s going to take continue effort tto challange and change over time.
And change takes change and time takes time.
Thank you all, you’re right. My British cynical side is saying “no we can’t accomplish anything we want.” But my hopeful side is agreeing, it’s worth a good try, right? I am fake-believing that things will get better, and these comments really helped
Thank you xx
Hi! I just found your blog and I want to say- I’ve been there. And Someday you will look back on this and say “look how far I have come.” YOU CAN DO THIS! You are smart and wonderful and clever and you are inspiring. This is a process and it’s not easy but you are so going to get through it. I believe in you.
Thank you
This means a lot, so thank you 
xx