I’m a bad blogger.
I felt like a broken record last week, I didn’t want to write about how down I felt or moments of achievements. I kind of wanted to stop writing stuff and do them.
And … I did.
This summer has been full of risks: Filming the documentary, going to hen parties, showing my arms at the wedding (I still can’t believe I actually did that). I didn’t know these things were going to go well, and I still don’t know how the documentary will turn out, but I took the chance in doing them because I know I’d regret it if I didn’t.
A couple of weeks ago I came to the frightening conclusion that in order to move forward, I’m going to have to do a lot of things I really don’t want to do. I knew this deep down, but I was kind of pretending these things wouldn’t be so bad. I was wrong.
I’ve already done things I didn’t want to do, and the depressing part is that I’ve got to keep doing them. Most of the time I want to watch a DVD with a hot chocolate and a blanket. But not taking risks hasn’t gotten me anywhere, and although I may stumble and fall, surely that’s better than staying put.
My downfall is that I think about things too much. Eventually a trip to a friend’s house becomes an obstacle course, each obstacle becomes an opportunity for social embarrassment and worse, another reason not to try. This results in an attempt to leave the house and the inexplicable urge to run and hide. And by run and hide, I mean take cover and eat something.
The moments when I have triumphed have been the moments I haven’t thought too much about. Working myself up over showing my arms only made me anxious, thinking about all the possible outcomes of going out on a Saturday night did not help me get ready and go.
The smaller triumphs like walking in public or booking a trip to Plymouth weren’t completely over-analysed. If I’d have thought about every little aspect I wouldn’t have gone, and I’ve avoided situations because of this.
But lately I’ve been a tad reckless – applying for jobs, going to Plymouth, flirting. And it’s all worked out well for me – I’ve got a job, part time, which I’m really pleased about, I got to see a lot of people I haven’t seen on my trip to Plymouth which was great, and I flirted and was not publicly humiliated so … that’s always a positive.
That’s not the end of it, though. My next task is to start my job, and then I want to go to the gym.
The thought is terrifying, and so I’m not thinking about it. Like Nike says, Just Do It.
Mind you, it’s not easy. I’m a beginner.
Hayley Emma
I find that …when you can spontaneously “break the rules” it is always best…as I say “gotta strike while the iron’s hot!”
Yes, this is very good advise
xx
i have a suggestion that drastically changed my life. when panic hits, instead of trying to ignore it and push it down and beat yourself up for feeling that way, try acknowledging it…give it a name, and then let it know that you hear it and you’re in no immediate danger. i know it sounds silly, but doing that for me enabled be to go from pure panic at leaving my home to not even thinking about it anymore…it takes away beating yourself up and acknowledges how you feel and makes it okay. it’s amazing. i named my panic/anxiety “fred” that alone makes me giggle.
I’ve read this before on your blog i think and it strikes me as odd, but then whatever strikes me as odd usually makes a lot of sense when i try it! And whenever i’ve said to myself “breathe, it’s just anxiety, just calm down.” It’s made it easier to deal with. I think you might be onto something!
I’m going to give this a try, thank you
xx
it struck me as odd too but it worked for me! i think part of the big difference is i stopped beating myself up about how i felt and acknowledged it.
I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!! This is such wonderful news!! Hayley, when I saw the title of your post I was sad, i thought you were going to be saying something like, I’m so sorry I haven’t blogged much lately! And the reason is because you have been out there DOING THINGS. So proud of you!
You are right, it’s making ourselves do those difficult things and then keep doing them, again, and again, and again, that’s key to us beating ED.
There is something in the blogging water lately! Me, Greta, You – we have all gotten ourselves jobs!! And been getting out doing more! Challenging ourselves!!! We rock!
Love you, so proud of you! xoxoxoxo
Thanks Fiona, i’m proud of myself too
And you! Getting a job and Greta as well, this empowerment must be catching. Congratulations, i am so so happy for you and Greta, i hope this will be a brilliant step forward for all of us 
xx
You’re going to find that there are MANY MORE surprises awaiting you when you open up to living life to its fullest! Remember darling…this is it. This is your only chance. The only life you have. EMBRACE IT for all its worth! Take those chances! Flirt a little! (Hey, baby! ~_^) Go out often! Be with the people who make you laugh! If you don’t now, you don’t get a second chance. You’re an incredible, beautiful woman! Go flaunt it!
Thanks Miss Pistachio! You’re very wise and full of enthusiasm
I will try to embrace the surprises 
xx
Everything worth having requires some serious, and often painful work…including self esteem and confidence.
Here is the thing though….if I were to talk to you the way you talk to yourself, would you accept it? stand for it? or tell me to bugger off?
One of the MOST effed up things about us human beings is our ability to loathe ourselves, and not believe in ourselves, but not accept that treatment from anyone else. WTF is that about???
I think I’m going to blog about it….
Anyways, you’re still awesome. Baby steps girly…..baby steps.
Thank you Jennifer
Very true, i would definitely tell you to bugger off, and yet i accept it from myself. Very effed up! xx