My master plan was to take a break from blogging to write multiple blog posts in advance and also write some fiction. I haven’t been able to write fiction at all this year, I think because I’ve been so distracted by my Eating Disorder. You know how some ‘artistes’ find they’re inspired by melancholy and heartache? Well, I don’t seem to work the same way.
When I’m depressed, brushing my teeth is a big task that I cannot be bothered with. If I forced myself to write a novel in that time – and I wouldn’t be able to, because chocolate and staying in bed would always win over typing – but if I did, it would be a steaming pile of poop.
And so my blogging break was filled with anxiety, depression and chocolate coated tears. Yeah I just wrote that. It just came to me. I really must be an artiste.
Unfortunately it took me a while to realise I was more depressed than I’d been in months and I wasn’t going to snap out of it like I always hope I will. As much as I try to shake it off, it’s impossible.
I tell myself I need to go for a walk, it’ll make me feel better and I’ll get exercise. Exercise usually focuses me. But as Annie said in Bridesmaids “I can’t get off the couch.”
To go for a walk stops being just a walk and becomes a monumental effort. First of all, I’d have to stand up, and my limbs do not want that. They gravitate towards the sofa, the bed, I’ve even had a pit stop sat on the stairs because doing nothing is so much easier than doing something.
That pit stop becomes a 10 minute stare at the wall, thinking of nothing. I’m not particularly sad, I’m not crying of even looking at my thighs and silently wishing I could stick a needle in there and just suck all the fat out. When I snap out of this trance-like state, and realise 10 minutes has passed…
10 minutes?! Wow, you only sat here to … why did you sit here again? Oh yeah, you were on your way upstairs to get ready for a walk. Go on.
…you gasp and look at the time and wonder what you were doing, and you know you should be moving, but for some reason – that you don’t understand – you sit there for another 5 minutes.
When I finally do move, the thought of getting in the shower, brushing my teeth, drying and straightening my hair, putting on a face of make-up and then stepping outside is exhausting.
I get ready at a snail’s pace, finding any excuse to just sit, or when there is no excuse because I’m running late, I just sit anyway. The straighteners weigh my arm down, I mess up the streak of liquid eyeliner on my top eyelid, do I really have to brush my teeth? Any excuse not to face the world.
I didn’t want to write this blog post because ‘lazy’ is a trigger word for me. How lazy is it when I don’t even want to clean my teeth because that would mean 2 extra minutes of work? That’s lazy. And unhygienic. And it is not me.
That’s why I’m writing this post, because when I’m not depressed, I’m a little obsessive about cleaning my teeth at least twice a day, and after every binge, even if I just feel like it. I’ll scrub, floss, feel the burn of the mouthwash. I won’t step out the door without mints so I can keep the freshness as fresh as possible. That is me.
I am not depression, just like I am not my Eating Disorder. I am lazy when I’m depressed, yes, but I work hard to pull myself out of depression. And I binge (although I haven’t for months now) but I am going to therapy and working on not bingeing.
So if someone makes a snap judgement about me, that I’m lazy or I eat too much, then that’s ok. I am, and I do, sometimes, but that’s not all I am.
I am a superhero.
Oh, you didn’t know?
Hayley Emma.
Yes you are!
Why thank you haha
xx
Yes, you are a superhero
I struggle with all kinds of personal hygeine when I’m depressed (and sometimes when my ED is badbadbad and body image through the floor), teeth brushing, showering properly and sometimes even getting changed is too much. I know I am gross but that’s the awful hell of depression, and bugger it I am not lazy (most of the time).
I hope things are better for you
I can totally relate, it’s awful to feel lazy and unhygienic and also difficult to understand why we are being this way! Thank you for sharing, I hope things get better for you in the future
xx
Thanks
. You’re such a sweetheart, I hope things get better too. I’m on the up I think, one small step at a time 
Yup, so a superhero!
Superheroine!
Invincible! You’re kicking it, Hayley Emma!
Thank you Greta, you too! We could fight crime together, you’d have to pick us out some fashionable capes
xx
Indeed!!!
I wish more people understood depression and the nothingness it can bring. I remember at my worst just lying in bed for days, staring at the wall for “entertainment”…the time passed…not quickly or slowly, it just passed…I don’t know how. But you are aware of how your depression affects you, you know the signs and you are working on beating it and your ED. That totally makes you a superhero 
xo.
That’s awful, i know what you mean though, it kind of numbs you, so things are just happening around you and you don’t feel part of it, if that makes sense? I hope the worst is behind you
xx
You are my superhero, Hayley! I am so grateful to you for writing this, for sharing this with the world. No, people don’t understand just how hard it is to function with depression, when even opening your eyes can be a struggle! I’ve had people decide I must be lazy and I wished I could show them the ‘undepressed’ Fiona who was neat and tidy and able to do things and look after herself. Just like you are almost obsessive about looking after your teeth when feeling better, and yet when depressed, cannot bring yourself to do them – stark opposites – it’s the same with me. You can tell when I’m more depressed because my home gets very messy and I stop opening the curtains or the windows, stop looking outside at the beautiful garden and the world, and just stay inside in the dark, unable to get out of bed. Cleaning my teeth or washing my hair? That seems to be a challenge on the scale of climbing mount everest
I’m sorry you are going through this yet again – I wish I could take a magic wand and clear away the cobwebs. I’m supremely proud of you for how you take notice of how you are going and realise that you are depressed, and you work on it – you keep trying. Good on you – totally a superhero and my inspiration 
xxx
Aww Fiona, i knew you’d understand exactly, you have such a battle with your depression! It’s awful, i don’t think people will really understand until they’ve been through it.
Thank you Fiona, you are MY inspiration so it’s good that we both draw inspiration from each other! And i think you’ve earned your superhero title, getting to the weight you are and out of hospital is superhero worthy, and you’re still kicking EDs ass, slowly but surely! Lots of love to you and Shalimar
xxxx
Hugs forever!! i think that’s kind of awesome, us getting inspiration from each other – we can spur each other on, and we are a bottomless pit of inspiration haha.
xxx
Friends really can be the best medicine of all