(What I’ve already done is yo-yo dieting.
I was 13 when I first stopped bingeing and cut out all snacks. 3 meals a day, nothing else. I wasn’t hungry, I didn’t want anything else, and I did a very old and hilarious workout video, the mother of all workout videos… Jane Fonda. I can remember the songs, the frequent “woo”s and “yeah!”s, and the men who were very into skin-tight workout wear.
(Update – I’ve looked for this on YouTube for years since we lost the video, and I finally found it! Uploaded 2 months ago, this little gem. Me and my mum are going to do this tonight!)
That was a good time. I lost 1 ½ stone, people complimented me and it was the first time I noticed a difference in how people treat you when you’re bigger compared to when you’re smaller.
I remember getting home from school in the days before and after this period – because it didn’t last – and eat small 5,7,10 chocolate bars in one go, hurriedly stuffing them into my mouth and hiding the wrappers down the back of the sofa or in different bins in the house. Hardly a vomit-inducing binge but I felt a sense of compulsion, a loss of control. (People with Binge-eating Disorder will know that stages of not bingeing would be temporary. (Dr Fairburn explains this in Overcoming Binge Eating))
The feeling of being free from your Eating Disorder, although I didn’t know I was disordered at the time, is incredible. I knew I was controlling what I was eating, I was exercising and enjoying it rather than using it as a punishment, and saying no to food I’d usually binge on was empowering. I felt slightly superior. I was taking control of my life (As much as you can at 13).
This is how I felt during every diet that resulted in weight loss, especially LighterLife. But this feeling was short-lived. Something would click back into place.
After all, a disorder does not come and go, the symptoms can fade or evolve.
The periods of control would worsen the bingeing, and I’d gain the weight I’d lost as well as some more for good measure. If anything proves that restrictive dieting doesn’t work, it’s yo-yo dieting. If you have lost weight and you have every reason to be happier with your body, and then as soon as you finish the diet you put the weight back on? I’m pretty sure that’s a major hint that the method of weight loss didn’t work. It could be an emotional attachment to food or being overly restrictive and therefore the results are unsustainable.
Right now, I’m learning how to eat ‘normally’. Regular meals which minimise the risk of bingeing and healthier meals that don’t upset my blood sugar levels. Exercise is less punishing and more enjoyable, laughing when I make a mistake is an important part of realising that it’s my health and well-being I’m trying to improve, rather than aesthetics.
I know this is the right way forward, but the urge to diet and go back to my old ways are creeping back in. I have to keep reminding myself that I’ve done that before, it didn’t lead me to permanent weight loss, and it’s my attitude that needs to change, rather than the diet.
I’m gritting my teeth and sticking with baby steps to success. When I think of re-learning how to eat properly I think I should be moving faster, but since planning 3 meals a day is overwhelming, let alone incorporating regular healthy snacks, it’s necessary.
Are you doing things you aren’t comfortable with? Do you have the urge to go back to what you were doing before, in the hopes that it’ll turn out differently this time? Tell me I’m not the only one who’s fallen into this trap!
Emma
P.s. If anyone decides to do the Jane Fonda or Pump It Up workout please let me know which one if your favourite, both are on YouTube (the Pump It Up workout has a few more parts).
Jane Fonda seems to be popping up everywhere lately. Should I dig out my leg warmers?
You are FAR from alone.
I think you are awesome, because I know how hard it is. You’ve hung in there this long, remember that. That’s amazing! Remember to keep telling yourself, losing weight, while it’s going to make you look smaller and feel better about your weight, is NOT going to fix all your problems. You will be a heck of a lot smaller, but everything else will be the same. That’s if you give in and do the ‘fast’ thing, diet. BUT the way you are doing it now? You are dealing with all your problems. You aren’t trying to smooth over the symptoms without fixing what’s making them happen. You are working on yourself from the INSIDE OUT. And that way is a long term thing. You won’t be back doing the same thing all over again like every other time. Imagine never having to diet again? How amazing that would be. Worth hanging on for. Even more worth hanging on for – is YOU.
I OFTEN struggle with these thoughts and urges. ALL the time. I hate, hate, hate, hate hate this unfamiliar body, hate having to stay in it. Hate not being able to just ‘opt out’ of life when it gets too hard as I used to, but having to stay here and bear it. And that seductive whisper in my ear of “everything would be okay if you just gave in” is very tempting.
The more we stand up to these lies and hold fast against them, the stronger we will get and over time, the easier it should get (so I believe and very much hope!)
Another thing that helps me, when these thoughts and urges are happening – is to say to myself “I accept that I feel fat. Can’t change it. Moving on” And that’s it.
Also “What is really the problem?” because when they are super strong, you can bet anything they aren’t what’s really bugging you right now.
Also – remember, good things take time, and good habits take time and practice. You have been battling this ED for years now – more of your life than you haven’t been! So it’s going to take a while for you to learn how to eat ‘properly’. You aren’t going too slowly. Your pace is just right for YOU.
Hang in there, my friend. Lots of love xxx
I know how you feel, being uncomfortable in your body. It sucks, and it must be such a big ask when people want you to put weight on. I’m relieved you know that seductive whisper is lying, and you’re right (as usual) we’ve just got to grin and bare it. Bear it? Bare it? You know what i mean.
Thank you
Your comments always make me feel a million times better! Lots of love xxx
I know it’s lying!! Have to keep reminding myself. It would be easier if what I felt and saw for myself matched up with the reality. So that’s where it becomes a leap of faith.
xoxoxo
Well definitely not BARE it!!!!! LOL. Not unless I challenge you to a nude streak through somewhere and I doubt you would take me up on that! (or that I would do it either haha)
Your comments make ME feel a zillion times better too
I went through similar moments where something ‘clicks’ in a postiive way twice in my teens and once in my twenties. That’s the annoying thing – it wasn’t a ‘diet’ per se, more a state of calm that made me not care whether I was eating much or not, and in the same way I can just ‘snap out’ of those states for no good reason.
Making things more stable after a history with yo-yo dieting is a huge challenge, but it sounds like your small-steps approach really does have so much potential for success. I wish I could go back to my old ways of eating too, and to an extent perhaps ignorance was bliss in terms of not knowing how much you’re ‘supposed’ to eat in the first place – I’m not sure I can retract that knowledge now.
xxx
I know what you mean, isn’t it amazing when you’re in the ED free stage? Heaven.
Knowing how much we’re supposed to eat and supposed to exercise does NOT help with an Eating Disorder, especially one that includes bingeing. So i’m going back to basics! I hope you can too someday
xx
My god, why does it look like Britney Spears is in that Pump It Up video?! *laughs*
Seriously, I would not have the co-ordination for that. I’d be hopeless. It’s too fast!
But yeah, battling an eating disorder’s always going to be a battle, even when you’ve lost the weight. And worse: when you’ve lost the weight, you could potentially overcompensate and end up being anorexic to a degree if you control your eating too much. It’s not fun at all.
I know you’ll get there, though. You’ve gotten THIS far, and you’re strong! I think that it’s just getting it into (y)our brains that this is LIFE, now, and not a diet, and maybe it’ll be fine with that and not allow thoughts of dieting and binge-eating to creep back in and ruin all your hard work.
Either way: you’ll get there. To mental health, and physical health, and you’ll be fine.
Don’t sweat it.
I am confident that i won’t switch Eating Disorders, at least not Bulimia or Anorexia, because in the past i’ve wanted for so long to have any other ED than my own. Which is doesn’t make any sense, but the grass is always greener on the other side, right?
Thank you
It’s lovely to think people have confidence in me. Also i read that article in Closer and wanted to say my heart goes out to you. You are a fighter though, and you’ll get through this too 
xx
And by Closer, i mean Love It! xx
Word. —-> “After all, a disorder does not come and go, the symptoms can fade or evolve.”
Restriction – or in my case just not eating because food falls flat and my brain changes – will ALWAYS bring me to my knees. In front of the fridge. In front of the flushbowl.
And gosh….I fight the meal plans too. I need it, but it feels restrictive/hypervigilant and you are right EXHAUSTING!!!
Pulling myself off the couch after dinner to pack my breakfast and lunch for the next days (weighing and measuring and calculating all the while) is — it’s difficult!
I told my Mom once “Gosh….It’s like taking care of a kid! Like I have a daughter or something…”
As soon as the words were out of my mouth I got goosebumps. Because, Emma, it IS taking care of someone who really needs assistance – cannot properly feed themselves.
It is taking care of US – an act of love and respect and caring.
That helps me.
PS — “Are you doing things you aren’t comfortable with? Do you have the urge to go back to what you were doing before, in the hopes that it’ll turn out differently this time? ”
Story. Of. My. Life.
Yes! I suppose we are taking care of ourselves because we’re not functioning properly, i’ve never looked at it that way. I’m really glad to hear you fighting through the exhaustion though, lately i’ve been struggling and slacking. Urgh, it’s so … relentless.
I hope it gets easier for you
xx
Sadly the “doing things I’m not comfortable with then going back” only really applied to my attempts at recovery, not purging, etc. I try to work hard and do good things for mysel, then go back to destruction. It’s awful
I have kind of stuck with cutting down/not smoking so one success!
However I totally feel like trying those Jane Fonda videos. Perhaps after Ive come home from the pub tonight, that should be interesting xD
Learning how to eat normally seems hard, but I’m super behind you all the way on doing it. And you’ve reminded me I really need to be getting my Overcoming Overeating book back out. I misplaced it after moving out of uni.
You are awesome. You should know this
Katie, at least you’re trying, that’s the most important thing. Going back to the destructive behaviour at least means you have parted from it at some point, so you know you CAN do it. We’re the same in that respect, my problem is actually maintaining the progress i’ve made, and i have to remind myself that i’ve done it already, so i’m reminding you that you’ve done it before! Haha
Well done cutting down on smoking though, and drunk aerobics? I would like to see that. Thank you
xx
i fall back into old unhealthy comfort zones all the time…you are not alone. such a daily battle
Very true, and reading your blog post today it seems like new challenges keep popping up for you as well. I have a lot of respect for you
xx
thank you kindly. it has been a challenge.
I know we have different recovery paths here, but gosh I can relate to your post 100%. I had been a non-purging bulimic for 11 years which meant I was always on a diet, at least 5-6 days per week. Diets never worked when I was starving and inevitably binging later. At that time every Sunday meant a new diet day for me. I loved dieting. I was controlling it: the amounts, the calories, the timing. I love controlling. I’m an order freak in life. Those first days of dieting were always calmer, inspiring and happy ones (until I binged) And I miss those. I’m so tempted to diet every Sunday, every day. To feel lighter. To manage things. To master them. Gaining weigh sucks. I’m not comfortable with my bigger body and being full after a meal… I want to diet and do it “smartly” this time every fucking day.
But it won’t ever work for me. While having an ed I can only do as you do – take it slow, easy and wisely. Please keep inspiring me! Because you do! Come on, hun – you’ve come a long way, you’ve posted about so many things I’m still learning from. Though Jane Fonda is cool. I’ve done several of her video exercises back in US in 1996! She was still hot at that time. Gosh, she still is!
Yes! Diet ‘smartly’ – i always think if i just do a different diet or be more relaxed with it then it’ll finally work. Urgh, lies.
Greta your last paragraph means so much to me, i’m always learning from your blog and you inspire me to keep going, so to hear you feel the same about my blog .. i’m flattered
Thank you 
xx
I tend to think back to when I was 13 as well. And I think about all the crazy things I was able to eat. And I was still so skinny! “Why can’t I still do that?” I think to myself. How was I able to stay so thin and eat nothing but junk all of the time? My problem is that THAT wasn’t “normal eating” either. So where is my reference point? How can I eat like a “normal person” when I’ve never ate like a normal person in my life?
I’m all fucked up now in all sorts of ways.
So now the only reference point I really have is my disorder. I know I DON’T want to be doing that. But I fall back into those habits sometimes. And now I’ve got a whole new set of habits where I skip meals (which I NEVER EVER used to do when I was restricting) or don’t eat at all for days and then eat a ton of stuff that’s bad for me when I go out. (And we go out FAR too often…we might tonight actually.) It’s just all messed up right now.
I need a reference point.
Urgh we have the same problem – ‘where is my reference point?’
Aww Miss Pistachio it sounds like you’re having a rough time, despite being so happy with your new boyfriend
Dealing with new eating habits that aren’t good sounds difficult, i really hope you manage to get back to your healthy ways of cooking awesome recipes xx