Last week I let life get the better of me.
Last weekend I received some unconstructive criticism. I chose to take the moral high ground (which wasn’t difficult in this case) and not indulge in any arguments (kind of broke that rule on Mondays post). I don’t have to defend myself, because I know I’m doing the right thing for me, and that’s all that matters.
My beautiful friend had her hen night on the weekend which was amazing, but I was dreading it. I don’t go out a lot, especially not at night where there are drunken people more obliged to leer at girls and make nasty comments. The thought of going out at night made me incredibly anxious. As well as this, the wedding is fast approaching where I’ll be a bridesmaid and have to show my arms during the ceremony.
Last week I was also avoiding my friends and social interactions as much as possible, I don’t really know why. I finally found a part-time job I think would be ok for me, the least stressful and calming job that I could do, and so I’m waiting for a call back, but it’s been over a week. I was also waiting for some blood results which turned out to be fine, but anything health related means sleepless nights and frequent anxiety.
All of this and then the negativity made me slip back into my old depressive ways. I didn’t eat proper meals, but over-ate all day Monday and felt sick by the time I went to bed. I haven’t felt sick like that in a long time. I didn’t go for a walk. Monday was an unproductive, waste of a day. I thought about the worst case scenario of every situation, and so I had a chat with my Mum.
I know I’ve said it before, but I’m so grateful for my family.
She reminded me of how far I’ve come, how I may faltered on my walking challenge but kept up with having healthy breakfasts, and have even reduced my portions. She reminded me that my friend wants me as a bridesmaid because of me, not because of how I look. She said I have to keep going, keep pushing myself, because one day it’s going to pay off.
Then my brother came in the room and said “Don’t let anybody rustle your jimmies.”
To which I replied “… what?”
He pointed me in the direction of this video by Day  called Being Relentlessly Positive and also Know You Meme.
I watched the video – you might remember him from my You’re Having a Laugh post but… probably not, It was a while ago. I don’t watch Day  videos as he vlogs about this game that I don’t like, but he’s pretty funny in my opinion, and wise. And he makes some brilliant points about taking care of yourself, and when I watched this I realised I was putting up with a lot of crap that I didn’t need to put up with.
Because, I can be quite awesome. I just kind of forget all the times I’m awesome when I’m down.
The other night I realised the power of acting confident when you’re not, and so today I’m going to remind myself how awesome I am, for all the times I forget, and for all the times I feel like the ugliest duckling walking the planet.
introducing …Operation Well-I’m-Beautiful-Why-Do-I-Give-a-Fuck?
Well I’m Beautiful, Why Do I Give a Fuck if someone tells me I’m too fat, or too thin, or a shitty writer, or I have bad hair, or I suck at my job, or someone breaks up with me, or I don’t get invited to a party, or someone insults me, etc. The way forward, in my opinion, is to stop giving a fuck. Because If I have complete faith in myself, and have self-awareness to know when I’m right and when I’m wrong and positive people around me to give me constructive criticism, then I don’t have to listen to some drunk guy in a bar or some jealous friend. Right? So, to remind myself how awesome I am, I’m following these steps:
Step 1) Write down every thing amazing about yourself and stick it on your mirror like Day 9 says. He said write it but how will I see my outfit properly?! Post-it notes for the win. I’m going to take a picture of this on my phone to remind myself that I am awesome and even when I feel completely un-awesome, I will tell myself that I am awesome.
Step 2) Take a picture of everything I like, whatever inspires me, and how much style I have. This includes family, friends, Indy, hand bags, make-up, high heels, Jak and Daxter, Harry Potter, my own red hair, etc. So that if I ever feel lonely, or boring, or frumpy, I can remind myself that I’m merely forgetting how awesome I am.
Step 3) Say out loud to myself “Well, I’m beautiful, why do I give a fuck?” everyday. Everyday, guys. I might also chuck in “Emma, you’re the sexiest beast known to man.” Just for good measure.
These steps may seem kind of small, or you may think I should be declaring my self-proclaimed awesomeness to the world by shouting it out of my bedroom window. But that will only make the people on the bus stop look at me funny. By saying it to myself, I’m trying to convince myself of my awesomeness, and I’m the most important person to convince. I’m also the most difficult person to convince.
I’m not saying everyone should love themselves, exactly how they are, right this moment, because to me that’s unattainable. Gaining self-confidence in every aspect is the most important and crucial element in becoming healthy in body and mind, and if most of you reading this can relate, then I’m guessing you’re in need of a boost as well.
I’m inviting you to join Operation I’m-Beautiful-Why-Do-I-Give-a-Fuck? by watching the video posted above and do the steps with me. Every Monday I’ll post about my progress on discovering my own sexy beastness, and I’d love to hear what you’d do to inspire yourself, either in the comments or on your own blog.
Here is a snippet of one of my positives, just one reason why I’m awesome. I’ll post the rest tomorrow.