A while ago I was watching someone on television explain why leaving an abusive relationship is more complex than we might think.
I think it was an interview with someone on the news, and the interviewee explained that although there are so many concrete reasons to leave an abusive relationship, (mental health, physical health, etc) there is already an emotional attachment formed between the abused and the abuser. Therefore the logical reasons for leaving an abusive relationship like those above aren’t persuasive enough to leave, because the emotional reasons for staying outweigh the logical reasons.
As someone who’s shied away from relationships because of my issues, I’ve been able to watch other people’s behaviour in relationships. Often I’ve thought she treats him like shit, why doesn’t he just dump her and move on? And if she treats him so badly, why is she staying with him when he obviously pisses her off?!
It’s easy to say that as soon as a relationship becomes abusive, either physically or emotionally, we would leave. But if your reasoning is shrouded in emotion, then it wouldn’t be so straight forward.
After all, logically speaking, I am unhappy with my weight, I should stop bingeing and overeating and increase my activity levels to lose weight, right? I’ve heard the saying if you want something bad enough, you’ll do whatever you need to succeed. I’ve always gotten angry and frustrated with my need to binge and overeat, criticising my mind for not getting with the weight-loss programme. I mean, it’s straightforward. Something is making me unhappy, if I work hard to illuminate the cause of the unhappiness, then I become happy.
I’m so unhappy because of my weight, the logical answer is to lose the weight. It doesn’t take a scientist to figure that out. And there are so many ways of achieving this: Atkins diet, Weight Watchers, Slimming World, I could go for round 3 with Lighterlife, Rosemary Connelly, the GI diet, the Paleo diet, the caveman diet, the cabbage soup diet, the Cambridge diet. I could go vegetarian, vegan, I could substitute meals with soups, shakes. There’s slimfast, calorie counting, I could have an apple before every meal, go on the grapefruit diet, I could go on a juice fast. The list goes on and on… and on.
My reasons for bingeing and overeating aren’t so straightforward, though. It would be great if they were, but to most people who become obese, poor food choices aren’t the sole reason for such a substantial weight gain, and therefore when these poor food choices are irradiated, the emotional issues with food are still prevalent.
I have an emotional attachment with food. Eating a chocolate bar does not just mean eating a chocolate bar to me. Before eating the chocolate bar there are the inevitable cravings. I crave the chocolate bar, and then I try to hush up my cravings. I have a cup of tea, a glass of juice. I check to see if I’m physically hungry. I wait. I obsess about the chocolate bar. The chocolate bar then becomes a chocolate bar and a bag of M&Ms. I obsess some more.
I want that. I need it.
But if you have it you’re giving in to everything you hate about yourself.
But you have a disorder.
But you’re fighting it. Food does not rule your life.
Food does rule your life. Accept it.
Look at your bum, how big is your bum?! You want it to shrink, not grow it!
You do have a big bum, so what’s the point in trying to avoid bingeing? All you want is a chocolate bar, a bag of M&Ms and some popcorn. What’s the harm in that?
Umm, what’s the harm in a binge? Really, you want a list?! Ok, there’s weight gain-
Honey, you’ve gained all the weight back, plus some. You might as well give yourself the binge. It’s all you’re good at.
…True.
I then eat the chocolate bar, plus the M&Ms, popcorn, more chocolate, cereals, etc. And then the guilt sets in. 
What THE FUCK did you just do?
Why THE FUCK did you do that?
What THE FUCK is wrong with you?
You want to lose weight, right?! You’re not working hard enough, you’re not trying hard enough, you’re a failure. You should starve yourself. Or continue to eat. Either one, it doesn’t matter. You’ve failed already.
The emotional reasons are stronger than logical reasons. That’s why I’m in therapy, so I can find out what was making me so unhappy to make me binge and overeat in the first place, so I can take steps to work on my unhappiness, to change my behaviours and lead a healthy lifestyle. Losing weight on a crash diet would work, but I know myself, and I know I’d be back to square one by Christmas. The way I’m working, taking baby steps to success, is my way of ensuring that by Christmas I feel different and I’m not going to lie, I am desperate to look different as well.
And it is not easy, trying to shut the voice out that screams at me to binge and overeat, but I’m becoming more aware as the days go by, and I’m working towards a healthy life. Because of this voice, because I’m trying, it doesn’t mean anything when people attempt to apply logical to an Eating Disorder.
I’ve said many times that Eating Disorders aren’t logical. Saying things like just lose weight or just eat a sandwich or don’t throw up after you eat don’t mean anything to us, because we’re not basing our reasons for destructive behaviours on common sense. It’s emotional, and often we’re trying not to feel emotional so we eat or starve or binge/purge to hide it all.
Just like it is so difficult for an abused wife to leave her husband, it’s very difficult for the disordered to leave their disorders.
Do you think I’m way off on this one? Do you think this can be applied to any addiction?
Emma
While I think you’re right, I’m trying to figure out if you’re also right in that it can be applied to any addiction, or to go further and blanket it out to any abusive relationship, be it with food or cocaine or alcohol; a husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend, or even a toxic best friend.
Trying to get rid of ANY of the above is like that; you think you need them but you don’t quite understand why, and the excuses you give yourself to keep them aren’t logical, and therefore, trying to give them up is effing difficult, because using logic just doesn’t work.
But oh god, do I ever know where you’re coming from on the binge eating thing? If you don’t give into a craving right away for the smallest thing and then it becomes this HUGE THING, this massive binge, and you’ve eaten four days’ worth of calories in one sitting and you feel disgusted with yourself and you DON’T KNOW WHY YOU DID IT except for the fact that your brain’s telling you that you’ve always been a failure so do it anyway. SHUT UP, BRAIN, I’M TRYING TO GET HEALTHY, HERE!
It really is an impossibly difficult endless cycle. I hope your therapy is helping! I’m still on the waitlist for my EMDR therapy – have been for more than two years now – but urgh. Talk therapy just doesn’t help me. I talk too much bullshit for it to work right, pardon my French.
The brain does not seem to understand that IT told you to binge, and then you did, and then it’s STILL not happy. Damn brain.
When i read that you’ve been waiting for 2 years my jaw dropped. Honestly, 2 years is too long to wait for any kind of treatment! I still don’t fully understand EMDR therapy but i’m going to do some research on it tomorrow. I hope you’re moving up the ranks of the waiting list, you’re trying so hard with weight loss
xx
I think you’re spot on. I don’t think addictions ever make sense, and I think abusive relationships etc are some ‘form’ of addiction too. At least it’s something you are not completely in control over.
Also, after the binge, when the ‘guilt sets in’, also the ‘logic’ comes sailing on by again; we see how ‘ridiculous’ it was. With hindsight or from a distance, addictions rarely make sense.
Yet, I do think that, with whatever, we only continue it if we (still) get something from it. There’s a part of it, or to it, which still, somehow, does something ‘for us’. Maybe it’s surpressing an emotion, or not having to make a certain choice, face certain (other) fears etc. I think there’s always still something there that, somewhere, deep down, makes it ‘logical’ to continue the whatever-destructive-thing we have in our lives.
Yes, logic seems to show up AFTER the binge, when it’s too late. You’re wise mundanebrain, have i said that before? I don’t know, but you’re wise
For me it’s suppressing some emotion, but it definitely has some kind of twisted benefit, if only very short-lived and totally not worth it 
xx
I think you are spot on!. It’s very very much the emotional side of things that’s strongest and most important to deal with. If it was as simple as eating and exercising, I would expect there to be a lot less people in the world struggling with their weight!
what you are doing now – the long, slow, hard journey of small steps – is the path that those who are faint of heart avoid. Because it takes courage and it takes the will to stay with what hurts rather than run away and take short cuts for instant (or faster) gratification. The rewards in terms of weight might take a lot longer this way – but they are forever. As opposed to remaining in denial for the rest of your life – and making the rest of your life about your weight, your eating and your body. Instead of your body being the vehicle in which you LIVE.
Don’t listen to criticism from ignoramuses, my dear friend. You are wiser than they and you are doing what’s right for you. If what they are doing is working for them as they claimed, they would not feel the need to constantly hit out at others like you and me, perhaps to deflect attention from the fact that they are an ever growing hot mess. xxx
Your first paragraph made me smile. I wish people had the same level of understanding as you do.
The long road is unfortunately what i’ve chosen, but i don’t want to lose weight and then 6 months down the line put it back on again. Been there, done that and it isn’t worth the hassle. Instant gratification is not a long term solution.
I love the term ‘hot mess’ haha, i’m so thankful for your support
xx
You are right. As a person who has been abused, has substance abuse problems, self-harm issues, and has weight / eating problems, I understand. It’s not a matter of lack of willpower or presence of mind. It’s all about the reinforcer and function of the behavior. Yes, even as a student of ABA psychology, I find myself still falling short when it comes to modifying behaviors. I went to school to learn how to help others with this very thing, and yet I cannot manage to make it work for myself.
Well, even if I can’t help myself, I can still explain why the behavior sustains itself. You see, people seem to think that punishment is the most powerful behavioral tool. It’s not. Quite the contrary, because once a person gets away from the source of punishment, or circumvents certain consequences for a behavior (that are not “natural” consequences), then the behavior will continue.
No, the most powerful behavioral modifiers are positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, and extinction. Negative reinforcement is not synonymous with punishment, although the name is misleading. Negative reinforcement is when we (often accidentally) encourage an undesirable behavior by providing reward to it. So, in the instance of substance abuse, drinking (the undesirable behavior) provides a person with a depressant on their system (desired reward).
In binge eating, it’s pretty simple to see what the reward is, despite the natural “punishers”. Punishment is not enough to deter the behavior because the reward is greater than the punisher.
What needs to happen is what ABA psychologists call behavior modification through incompatible behavior replacement with positive reinforcement and extinction. I’ll give you an example. I’m trying to quit smoking and lose weight. Smoking makes me feel better, eating makes me feel better, and I don’t like the effects of extinction alone (meaning ignoring the urge to smoke and eat). So, I need to engage in an incompatible behavior (one that doesn’t allow me to eat or smoke) that provides a natural reward greater than that of eating and smoking (which both have natural punishers in them too).
I picked up running. I can’t smoke when I run, or else I get sick. I can’t eat before I run or I will be really sick. And I can’t eat or smoke right after my run or I’ll be sick. And the best reinforcers are these. Running provides my brain with an activity that it has to focus on, so I can’t sit around and stew in my negative emotions. It gives me a natural outlet for my energy, and tires me out enough to where I can’t even think of all of the bad stuff. When I started losing weight and gaining muscle mass, it felt amazing. I was sleek and strong (I haven’t been running in awhile. I fell off the bandwagon a little bit).
Best of all, I felt like I had accomplished something. It boosted my self-esteem and gave me a tangible goal to work toward. Yes, it hurt when I started. But, the runner’s high is beyond comparison. It almost compensates for the physical discomfort. But, the reinforcers were so much greater than any of the other stuff.
Running is not the reinforcer for everyone, because everyone is different and motivated by different rewards. But, it provides proof that incompatible activities can triumph over undesirable behavior.
I would quite like to marry this comment.
I didn’t know you studied psychology
I love psychology, finding out why people do things, but i rarely research solutions, and i’m so pleased you could break it down for me, because all those words together didn’t make sense to me at first.
This is really interesting, i am trying to find positive reinforcements that aren’t weight loss, because to me that is the best thing ever. I do like walking though, and always feel so much better, more positive and energetic after a walk, so maybe that’s my positive reinforcement. I don’t know.
Thanks Lulu
This is a really helpful comment xx
It’s a really technical thing, and it doesn’t really put much of anything in context. We can seek to change these behaviors, and sometimes we can succeed. But, no extinction is 100%. The behavior will always emerge again as a test to see if the environmental conditions have changed. And if they have, and there’s no other coping mechanism available, then the undesirable behavior will come back in full swing.
With substance abuse, they teach constant mindfulness to patients. There has to be this underlying radar for potential triggers. Substance abuse is so tricky that treatment is a constant thing. The mindfulness has to extend to every aspect of life. Who a person’s friends are, and what they do (that makes alcohol addiction so relapse prone). What a person does for a living (because working in a bar isn’t going to work). Where does this person like to hang out? What are the recreational activities outside of drinking? (because they can be accidentally paired with alcohol in the mind. Like smoking + drinking, etc). There’s the radar to avoid certain places, people, activities, etc. It’s hard.
So, it stands to reason that with any other disorder, there has to be mindfulness. And mindfulness is hard when a person has a mind full of everything else in a hectic life. That mindfulness is basically ABA at work, trying to put the practice into the context and generalize it through all situations in life. That’s the hardest part.
My suggestions for treatment with ABA? My personal favorite is token economy as positive reinforcement with behavioral replacement. Token economy is the only therapy proven to be 100% effective when implemented correctly (I’m not making that statistic up. It came from the initial study when professionals were developing it). Token economy is great, but it has to be worked out to where natural reinforcers can take over after the “tokens” are withdrawn. Say, I reach a really important goal. In addition to the satisfaction I get, I also buy myself something nice or memorable for it. Even better, I entice myself to go to large social events by buying a new outfit. Nothing expensive, but something that will help my confidence out a little. And, it gives me a reason to shop! (Another addictive behavior, but it’s not as if I’m using social events to shop. I hate social events. But, I’ll pander for the bone.)
All some things to consider.
That’s the problem. Addicts know very well what the right thing to do is, but they choose to nurse their negative emotions with food which only makes them sadder. Ultimately, an addiction is only manageable not curable.
Hmm, i agree, but i think it’s really important to find where those negative emotions come from in the first place, and as Lulu says above, find something else that gives you pleasure to replace the addiction
xx
“I have an emotional attachment with food. Eating a chocolate bar does not just mean eating a chocolate bar to me. Before eating the chocolate bar there are the inevitable cravings. I crave the chocolate bar, and then I try to hush up my cravings. I have a cup of tea, a glass of juice. I check to see if I’m physically hungry. I wait. I obsess about the chocolate bar. The chocolate bar then becomes a chocolate bar and a bag of M&Ms. I obsess some more.”
Are you seriously telling me that you just don’t love food? I find that hard to believe. You don’t LOVE the taste of food so much that you revel in the glory of its consumption? You don’t love that cheesy pizza? You don’t love that delicious piece of chocolate? Food doesn’t hug you at the end of the night. It just nourishes… or makes you fat.
I believe that ‘emotional attachment’ is just an excuse for lack of control. Take control of your life now… you have so much to offer. You’re a gorgeous girl, and from what I can tell, besides the fact that you are not working, you deserve the best. Don’t fuck up so many more years by wallowing in the sorrows of binges and fat. Trust me. I know from experience that it’s not worth it.
Nicole, I really really don’t understand how someone managing an eating disorder could ask this question. Do you think addicts just love what they are addicted to? Science will tell you absolutely not. You had a moment that changed your life and allowed you to transcend your addictive tendencies enough to ultimately learn to manage them. Not everyone has gotten there yet, not everyone has been that lucky. You may not mean to be, but you are so judgmental.
Emma, you are great. I’m a lurker. Except when Nicole says something that leaves me utterly unable to hold my tongue apparently. I’m sure you love it Nicole! Speaking sincerely here, not trying to stir up drama.
Hi Chloe, cows are really awesome, I love them.
I agree with you entirely. Nobody who has battled with an eating disorder and is now managing it successfully would say something like that. Either it’s a comment born from malice, worded intentionally to HURT, or it’s a comment of extreme ignorance and one has to wonder how much truth there is that the commenter had a legitimate eating disorder in the first place. And I’m sure she does have – so I guess it’s a malicious comment. And sadly, that’s not out of character. Why, Nicole, do you feel the need to hurt as many people as you can? Who are you really angry at?
This is Emma’s space, so I’ll refrain from addressing you here… because it won’t be pretty. If you wish to address me in a rude fashion, then do so at my territory. Thanks!
Ok. First off, thank you Chloe for de-lurking to comment, i was so pleased someone else said exactly what was on my mind! And thank you Fiona, although you didn’t get a great response i was glad you said what you felt.
Honestly Nicole, i don’t think you’re managing your Eating Disorder. I don’t think you’re offering advice and tough love because you care, i think you’re lashing out at people because you can’t admit that your way of life isn’t working for you.
I genuinely liked you blog when i started following, i was intrigued by how you were managing your ED and had kicked Bulimia’s ass. You caused a positive stir in the ED community and brought a lot of people together. But then you went on a i-hate-fat rampage, that anyone managing their disorder would not feel so strongly about.
I’m sure you don’t binge on food and purge anymore, this is great. But i think you have substituted food with alcohol. Instead of admitting you had a problem, that fat-hating and alcohol abuse has never brought you happiness (which would have been incredible and earned you so much respect) you are continuing to cover up your problems with pictures of Gwendolyn, project lollipop shit and thin-worship.
You claim your blog isn’t all rainbows and sunshine, but it is fake. You’re not showing real life anymore, you’re showing what you want to be, all happy and thin and la la life is brilliant because i skipped dinner and over-exercise. YOU are using your way of life as an EXCUSE to belittle and hurt people.
I’m not jealous and i don’t appreciate you calling me mopey and using my disorder as an excuse when you’re leaving drunken comments left right and center and hurting all of the people who once cared about you.
If you admitted right now that you have problems, that your bulimia stemmed from a problem, that you ate to cover up feelings, or even that your extreme perfectionism meant you ate all the things to prove that you could, you would have THE WORLD of support.
Instead, you’re hitting out at the people who REALLY tell the truth, who talk about abuse, low self-esteem, hitting rock bottom.
You’re not invincible, and you cannot control ALL of your emotions. You’re not a machine, Nicole, and you never will be.
In answer to your question, no, i don’t binge or overeat because i love food. I don’t taste the food when i binge, it is a coping mechanism, it is not pleasurable.
I have said everything i want to say to you, Nicole. I’m here if you want to admit your problems and everything i’ve said has been to try to get you to snap out of it. I’m not taking anymore of this, though. If you comment, and you hit out at me (like i’m 99% sure you will), then your comments go to spam, and i won’t engage with you anymore.
Urgh, i feel bad. I stand by everything i said, but i am ALWAYS here if you need to talk. xx
Haha! Thanks for answering my question… you’ll come through one day. As I said many times, you have potential.
Still super curious about your thoughts on the science of addiction Nicole. I’m also curious about how you are able to say you had/have/always will have an eating disorder. You seem to preach that disorders don’t exist, just good and bad choices. Control/lack of control. Why did you have ‘bulimia’ when everyone else is just weak and making excuses?
Chloe, I was weak, too. I failed everyday for 11.5 years. And then I didn’t. I can go more into the philosophy, but I request that you bring your specific questions to my blog with a formal submission – or please email me – nicoleandgwendolyn@gmail.com. I will add your question to one of my upcoming Q&A posts. The information is too detailed to throw into a simple comment thread. But your questions are very good.
I guess I’m not that curious. Good luck with everything Nicole. Truly.
Bravo, Emma. Everything you said here was absolute truth. The only thing I do not agree with is your apology – there was no need for it.
And as for me being ‘rude’, Nicole I was nowhere NEAR as rude as you have been to so many people lately. So it’s okay for you to be rude, but when someone else says something truthful about you, it’s not okay? Hypocrite much?
Emma, I support everything you have said.
Oh, sweetie, every word of your post was breaking my heart as I was reading.
I get it so much! I was a binger! I was so mad and frustrating at myself because I was so damn, stupid, softy and lazy to just stick to a diet. To just go to the gym and suffer on the treadmill! I worked in a fashion industry, I saw all those gorgeous people feed on carrots and celery sticks and I hated myself even more – why can’t I? Why do I stuff my face in a bucket of ice-cream? Why wasn’t that just simple? What was wrong with me?
The thing – Nothing!
There’s nothing wrong with you either. Once you figure out all the stuff beyond the cookies and cakes your weight will melt down like snow in spring!
Please don’t be so hard on yourself! I don’t want to preach some stupid stuff you perfectly know like loving yourself blablabla… it does take time and it does take effort. Just be gentle. Progress, but don’t push it. I believe you’ll get there. I’m praying for you.
‘Once you figure out all the stuff beyond the cookies and cakes your weight will melt down like snow in spring!’ – Eloquently put, Greta
Thank you, it means a lot that you’re doing so well, trying so hard even when times are so tough
xx
Hey, been lurking for a while, thought I would delurk…
Great post. I feel years of binge eating and anorexia have destroyed my relationship with food right now. Either I’m denying myself or stuffing my face… I wish one day I will just see food as fuel. I think diets do more harm than good, there are ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods, it’s something you need to control. I know I can’t diet without relapsing into anorexia. I just get carried away, and cut out most food! I want to be able to eat what I want when I need it! One day I hope I get to that point…
I think we do all gain from addictions. Maybe like an abusive relationship it’s a safety net, we can’t see a way out of it. With me it’s letting go of self destructive behaviour but God it’s hard. I wish I could switch my brain off sometimes!
I hope you get there hun.
x
I’m glad you delurked! I go through brief periods of being able to remind myself that food is fuel, not the enemy or the solution to the problem. But it’s difficult, and that normal relationship with food never lasts long.
A safety net is a good way of putting it, i think it’s down to figuring out why we think we need the safety net and as Lulu said above, working from there to find less destructive things to take the addictions place.
I hope you get there too
xx
So do I. It’s just hard because I still have the typical ED thoughts, ‘my body can’t possibly control itself! I must control it!’ I’ve gone through periods where food hasn’t existed (eating what I want, when I want and eating when I’m hungry. It’s weird to think about those periods, because I don’t remember thinking about food much at all!) Sadly I’m back to the stage where food runs my life! (Either denying myself, or over eating for the hell of it!)
I think all human beings are scared of change. We do this because it’s familiar, and comfortable. With me, I can’t imagine doing things differently, although I know it is possible!
Thanks!
xxx
[...] refeeding?” Oh my God… you are a hot mess, Fiona. I like your other blog so much better… you have balls in that [...]
Can I just add my agreement with this post, and also for your response to Nicole’s ridiculous comments. As always. x
Thank you!
xx
Wow, I found your blog on accident. When I read this, it seriously could have been me writing it. I know I am not unique in my thinking about food, but some times it feels good to actually hear that I am not alone. I just got done with graduate school (for counseling no less, lol), and through all the stress and demands that put me through my binging took off at an alarming rate. i am formerly a binge/purge person, but I have refused to purge for the last couple years. Unfortunately the binge has never really left me. Food was/is such a coping mechanism for me that most days I feel like I can’t control it at all. The one candy bar becomes two candy bars, which becomes three candy bars and an ice cream sandwich. It is a horrible cycle, and every morning i wake up thinking….okay today I will get it together. I know the science of food, I can do this. And most days I fail miserably by the afternoon and want nothing more than a candy bar.
So, thank you for posting this, and I am so glad that I found this blog. It will definitely hit my list of subscriptions. I wish you all the luck in the world. Cheers, Liz