I had an epiphany last night (that’s not a euphemism).
Last week I realised I needed to try to push through the depression to go for a walk each day, something I haven’t been successful in. Last night I realised that instead of just wanting to be slim and healthy, I have to believe I can get there.
My counsellor mentions that I have to believe in myself pretty often. She believes I can get over this whole Eating Disorder malarkey, but she says I need to believe in myself. I figured when I started to lose weight maybe I’d start believing I could do it, but really I was sure it was impossible.
Last night I was reading I Can Make You Thin by Paul McKenna. It loses points for having the word ‘thin’ in the title, which to me conjures up an unattainable aesthetic that I don’t want to be, but it was recommended by a fellow blogger, who has since deleted his account. There is a visualisation technique in it which requires you to imagine yourself ‘thin’, imagine seeing a film of yourself doing everyday tasks and you’re slim. The book asks you to envisage how you sound, how you talk to yourself. And then when you’ve done this, imagine you are slim.
In my imagination, my slim self – note, not thin, not skinny, I will always have a healthy bum – was happy. It kind of surprised me just how happy my slim self was, and in my slim-self fantasy, I was eating a strawberry and laughing, like it was no big deal.
Strawberries aren’t exactly the food of death, but I’d be very aware of eating the right amount of strawberries rather than too many that I’m overeating or too little that I won’t get 1 of my 5 a day. In my imagination, I’m aware that I’m eating a strawberry, but not bothered by it.
And that’s what ‘recovery’ means to me.
I know some of these thoughts and obsessions are never going to go away, and I hope to be able to acknowledge them in the future but ultimately not be overpowered by them.
An ex-housemate once left a box of chocolates lying on the sofa overnight that she’d forgotten about, and it blew my mind. How could she have left chocolate, a half full box of chocolates downstairs AWAY FROM HER on the sofa where anybody could have had them ALL NIGHT and not been thinking about them every second?
I couldn’t fathom it. I kept looking at them, obsessing about them for her – I would never have eaten them, they weren’t mine. There was temptation though, don’t go thinking I’m a saint.
I don’t know if I’ll ever have that attitude to food, that nonchalance. I think that’s too far the other way for me. But recovery to me means that I’d acknowledge the box of chocolates, accept the thoughts of stealing them and bingeing on them and somehow trying to replace them and eat the exact same chocolates so she wouldn’t be suspicious, and then move on.
What does ‘recovery’ mean to you? And have you ever been in that will-I-get-caught-if-I-nab-that-biscuit kind of situation?
Emma
I too have read the McKenna book, interesting concept, thinking one’s self slim. So pleased you did not go with ‘thin’ – skimmed milk is slim, watery in the extreme and no body! Enjoy your strawberries!
This is true! Semi-skimmed is perfect in my opinion
xx
“Recovery” for me right now means….not allowing outside sources to indirectly determine whether I eat or not….and it’s hard. Really hard. Harder than when I was overly anxious over every calorie. Harder than controlling every aspect of what I ate and when I ate. Because you see….I have no control over this. I feel like a bitch to my emotions. And it’s bullshit. Recovery in a way means not giving a shit about anyone but me. That’s the extreme version, but that’s ultimately what it comes down to.
P.S. I like your version of recovery better than mine. Strawberries are amazing.
Not giving a shit is a great version of recovery! I mean i think a lot of our obsessions about weight and aesthetics will never really help us, all they’ll do is cause us to compare ourselves and put ourselves down. it’s kind of pointless.
Strawberries are lovely!
xx
There is no such thing as recovery from an eating disorder. You’ll always have some sort of opinion about that strawberry and of the details surrounding it. Acting healthfully with regard to the strawberry, however, is an expression of healthy living. One must seek healthy living via strict management of their eating eating disordered tendencies. This is real life… not Mr. Rogers Neighbourhood.
Do you think that an Eating Disorder is purely the symptoms? As in, do you think your Bulimia was Bingeing/purging, rather than some emotions (anger, sadness) that is manifesting itself in your relationship with food?
I’m asking because deep down i’ve known that there has been something wrong, that it wasn’t just the bingeing and overeating and being overweight. I didn’t want to believe it, because if that were true then losing weight wouldn’t solve my issues, and that was a scary thought. But now i’m more aware, because accepting that something is wrong and making progress in making peace with something is actually achievable, and i’m making progress in my recovery.
What are your thoughts on that? xx
“Do you think your Bulimia was Bingeing/purging, rather than some emotions (anger, sadness) that is manifesting itself in your relationship with food?”
I was not an emotional bulimic. I was a vogue bulimic. Everything in my life was perfect except for my body because I loved food too much. As a perfectionist, I ate and ate and ate… if I was going to eat something bad… I was going to go all out! And of course, the vomit and the laxatives? That was to rid my body of calories… not to get high, not to deal with anything dramatic like emotions, and not to do anything but ensure that I didn’t get FAT.
I get what you mean, (although i don’t think there is such a thing as a ‘vogue bulimic’ – i think your bulimia is just like anyone else’s bulimia, and buying expensive binge food does not make it any better, it merely gets you into debt) So you think your bulimia was fuelled by your perfectionism? I mean, i know perfectionists who don’t binge and purge, i know perfectionists who eat chocolate and desserts without bingeing.
And if you’re right about yourself – and i know i’m not going to convince you, but i’m just trying to understand more – your perfectionism was so extreme that with food you were going to eat ALL the food… do you think maybe there was some underlying reason for such extreme perfectionism? xx
Emma, with “VOGUE” I do not mean “high class food binges.” With VOGUE, I mean “I hate fat and shall do whatever necessary to rid my body of it.”
You are much too caught up in the “why”, and that is precisely WHY you cannot find a healthy place. That is WHY you are depressed, or at least seemingly so. When you find a reason to discover YOUR health, you will understand what I mean. Until then, it’s frankly a moot point.
Ok, fair enough, i misinterpreted your meaning of ‘vogue bulimic’.
I ask ‘how’ – how this happened, and how i can undo the damage i have already done. Because some people are fine with their bodies, some people don’t let their aesthetic stop them living, and i have to find out how i can be like them. Losing weight on Lighterlife, not bingeing or overeating didn’t make me happy.
I agree, moot point, neither of us are going to agree with the other. If in a year i am still depressed and in the throes of my Eating Disorder, i will try your way. For now though, recovery is my path. xx
Your reply breaks my heart but it also makes me happy.
I look forward to observing your future… because you know that I am watching closely! <3
I agree with Emma about the perfectionism and the ‘was it emotional’, from reading you for a while now, Nicole, I 100% believe it’s emotional and that you are in such denial and don’t WANT to see that, that it’s like you stuck your fingers in your ears and sang la la la to drown out everything except what you stubbornly have decided is ‘your story’.
My Q for you is – WHY did you eat and eat and eat in the first place? That’s not what people with a legitimate love of food do. I have a good number of true foodie friends – chefs, connoisseurs, and a couple of people who are big names in Australia in the food industry. And they do NOT eat and eat and eat. Never. In fact, they do the very opposite of that. And not to keep their weight down, because 99.9999% of them don’t care about their weight – it’s mostly a bit too high because of their careers, but it’s not a big deal to them. It’s a side effect of their jobs and their passion takes precedence. They are fully sated when they eat small amounts of what they love – because they aren’t emotionally eating it. And if you were not emotionally eating, you would have been sated too, well beyond the point where you did gain so much weight, and where you needed to throw it up and STILL gained weight – you were consuming SO MUCH that despite your purging and your compulsive exercising you became borderline obese. That takes a LOT of food – and you don’t eat that much food purely because you love food. You don’t vomit because you love food.
So I think your ‘vogue’ bulimic stuff is bullshit. The only other people who are buying it are the few who themselves have their heads very much deeply buried in the sand too.
i think there is a such thing as recovery and for me it is dealing with the root issues.
Yes, as i said in reply to Nicole’s comment, i think making peace with certain things is a huge step, but a major step in recovery
xx
oops i must have missed that comment sorry
x0
Don’t be, i only just wrote it! Haha
xx
okay good!
I’ve read Paul McKenna and I admit, he has a point.
I started my recovery while using structured eating, as I had lost the hungry/full senses to my disease. But the mind is powerful! I believe that all the solutions are up there in our heads, so mindfulness and awareness are crucial.
You can’t escape food. You can’t tell people not to have it, because oh, you are too sensitive. I use my mind to be ok, with world, food, criticism – life. And I believe you’ll do just fine. It does take time, but eventually we all get there.
And walk on, girl! I’m so happy because of this!
xo.
‘…mindfulness and awareness are crucial’ – could not agree more!
Thank you Greta, reading your blog about your ups and downs in recovery has been a real turning point for me, because i see someone who is human and trying, and succeeding
xx
There definitely is such thing as recovery and I know that because I have quite a number of friends who ARE in complete recovery. For example, my friend L, she struggled with anorexia from childhood, anorexia and bulimia as an adult, spent years going in and out of hospitals, her whole life stopped. NOW? She is completely recovered, she went back to university. She’s working as a social worker in a hospital with adolescents – and currently also getting her masters in psychology. She is completely fine with food, exercise, never has ED thoughts. She is well above a BMI 20 and doesn’t even know what her weight is – she’s just healthy, happy and LIVING. She has a lovely husband, nieces and nephews, goes on adventures camping, travelling, out with friends, overseas – all the time.
xxx
And she’s not the only one. I could fill your comments section with stories of people I have known at their sickest – and now, completely ED free. Years of being ED free behind them, too, not just a short amount of time. YEARS – relapse free, ED thoughts free, because it’s in their pasts forever.
This is why I know there is such thing as recovery and I know it’s possible for me too, and for you.
What sets these people apart is that they WANT it enough to WORK for it. Every single one of them without a doubt had to dig deep and pretty much slave to achieve this. It took a lot of therapy, a huge comittment, facing up to reality, being honest with themselves and others, acceptance and staying with feelings and situations they didn’t enjoy, and letting go of unhealthy aspirations. It takes the guts to break free from either the hell or the fantasy world that is in your mind. So much more, too.
It’s not a walk in the park, but the result is a LIFE and you know what? From all I have read from you, I know with all my heart that you have the courage and the work ethic it takes to get there – and you WILL. I believe in you 100%
Tonight I’ve had a look at this – The Brain That Changes Itself http://www.normandoidge.com/normandoidge.com/MAIN.html and I really want to get it and read it – I think that it will be a huge help for me and for you, because that IS a huge proportion of what we need to do – work on changing our brain – changing our thoughts, changing our mindset, changing our beliefs and behaviours – and it’s very possible.
Keep on fighting the good fight – I’m one of many I know are cheering you on all the way. And I love the strawberry in a bunch of peas reference because you ARE like a strawberry amongst peas – sweet and special
PS it’s totally possible to not have an opinion about the strawberry. It’s called impartiality and it’s another DBT skill I’ve been working on
xx
Your friend L is enviable! No ED thoughts? I’ll do whatever she did
Haha that’s great for her, i believe 100% you’ll kick some ED butt as well, 100%!
We’re both working on changing habits right now, one baby step at a time, and it is hard! Ultimately though, i think that’s what we’re doing, changing out mindset and how we view the world. That book sounds interesting!
Thanks Fiona, you’re sweet and special as well!
xx
Ooh, only just read your P.S. – Ooh! I’m googling DBT as soon as i reply to these comments
xx
Guess what, we are both doing what L did – in our own way
baby steps but definitely in the right direction 
*hugs* xxx
I’ve never been overly enamoured with Paul McKenna – I gave his approach a go, but my brain was far too cynical for it and would think around every coping strategy and posiitve thought pattern he came up with. Glad it’s proving helpful for you though – I don’t have an issue with ‘thin’ because ‘thin’ is such a subjective definition anyway.
Oh, the biscuit situation…I have been there so many times. I could punch people who leave half of things or even forget about what they’ve been eating. Hmph. Like you, that’s just a pipe dream that will never happen – the best I could ever do would be to have that mental image, that desire, to stuff in an entire box of chocolates or whatever, and then tell it to politely f**k off. I’ll never stop having the image, or the desire – it’s been there even when I’ve seen food dropped on the street, or in bins. Sorry, I know how disgusting that is…but the compulsion is always there, every second of the day. It’s a constant battle, and I think the best we can all do is to break it down so that sometimes we win, sometimes we lose, but in the greater context of the war we never surrender (and now I am thinking of Galaxy Quest – never give up, never surrender!)
xxx
Yeah i can see how Paul McKenna’s approach wouldn’t be to everyone’s taste. I’m giving it a go though.
Trust me, i know where you’re coming from! The compulsion is constant, it’s only recently not been so strong. I swear this therapy’s working! I really hope you can find a way of subduing your ED because you’re a lovely person! And such an athlete, you deserve to not have that feeling, because it is horrendous. Especially when trying to ignore it, but then if you give in you could gain weight (as a non-athlete there was definite weight gainage) … such a head fuck.
Never give up, never surrender! – I LOVE Galaxy Quest, so funny
xx
Oiii, the ‘not thinking about the strawberry’ and the ‘thinking how to steal the chocolates without anyone noticing and maybe replacing them later’ thingies struck a cord here…
I do think complete recovery is possible. To me it means to be free of secrecy around food. No secret eating, no secret non-eating, no stealing, nor hoarding or hiding it food etc.
You’re the first person to start a comment with ‘Oiii’ – i love this. The shame of the eating, not eating, hoarding, hiding food is strong! I used to have a box of ‘goodies’ under my bed and would constantly try to hide food when shopping with friends… eurgh. I think your recovery sounds pretty nice
xx
Hello! I haven’t commented before but I’ve been reading. This so entirely fits with my view of recovery. It’s eating without it being a thought palava. Just having food and it not being a big deal. Or not eating (like with the chocolate example), but that not being a big deal either. I’m hoping it’s possible.
Seriously though, I find it very hard to understand how people could not obsess over something like an open packet of chocolate. I get so wound up if I don’t have complete knowledge of where my food is, who’s eating it etc. and if it’s not put away, it plays on my mind a whole load. Rubbish times.
We’ll get there though I hope.
Hope you are well x.
I’m hoping it’s possible too. Knowing where the food is is such a big deal, i can’t imagine not worrying so much about it but like you, i really hope it’s possible.
I’m in the process of reading past posts on your blog
Hope you’re well too xx