In my last therapy session my counsellor mentioned that my life might be a tad consumed by my eating disorder. She was asking about things that I do that don’t relate, as in when do I see my friends, what are my hobbies, what do I do for leisure etc.
I’ve always known on paper I seem kind of boring. I like writing and blogging but I struggle to write fiction because I never think what I write is good enough, and then I can’t really talk to people about blogging unless I mention Eating Disorders. I don’t want everyone knowing about my problems at the moment, especially not if they know me to be smiley and then BOOM! Depression central… you get the point.
But the thing that stuck with me since therapy is the ‘friends’ part of my life friends. I don’t see my friends that often, about once a fortnight, and I sometimes cancel on them. Sometimes I really don’t want to see my friends, even though I know it’ll be fun, because I get a surge of anxiety that makes me want to sit on the sofa and complain about boredom.
The theme of the week has been ‘feel the fear’ and although I’ve been walking some days and succeeding in 2/3 of my goals, I have been avoiding social situations like the plague. I’m dodging my friends, not texting them when I should, I’m relieved if they cancel … and I realised, my friends come second to my Eating Disorder.
I know, it’s kind of tragic.
When I meet new people, they always ask what I do. I’m on support allowance which deems me unfit to work (signed off by the Doctor), I blog about Eating Disorders and every trip outside of my house is a struggle battling my anxiety. I wouldn’t want to share any of this information with new people who only get this glimpse of a boring and complicated existence.
And then the people that I already know, I don’t like to tell them any of it either. I recently told an ex-housemate all of the above, and I felt I needed to say afterwards “but… I’m not crazy, ok?”
I’m sure that when I disclose any of this information they’ll picture me in a cottage in the middle of nowhere, clutching 3 of my 37 cats and staring slack-jawed at the computer screen.
I know in my heart of hearts that my friends are moving forwards and I’m staying still. 2 of my friends are getting married this summer, most of my friends have jobs and are in relationships and other friends who aren’t cat-ladies-in-waiting. I’m still jobless, making a huge effort just to go for a walk everyday.
I really need to get a job and socialise with new people, but my embarrassment over my body and my situation holds me back. And if I did get to know some new people, would I tell them what I blog about, what I’m dealing with or do I keep it to myself and make it seem like all I do it go for walks everyday?
Eh, I think I’ve out-complained myself. Which is a good thing – I’ve gotten it off my chest, now I can figure out what I want to do. Enlighten me, how are your relationships with your friends, do your problems affect them?
Emma
You’re not a crazy cat lady. You’re fine. Your timeline isn’t anyone else’s. We all move at different paces. You’ll get where you need to be when it’s time to be there. Really! I promise! You’re working hard on you. That’s what you need to do right now. I’m proud of you.
Thank you
This comment really means a lot to me. I think it’s because you’re so wise 
xx
Well, I’m sort of pathetic in that I don’t really have friends . . . well, I have one, and she knows what I go through, but I don’t talk about it with her. Certainly no one in my life knows about my blog. I belong to a couple of groups I try to force myself to go to but I only succeed half the time . . . and they don’t meet often to begin with. And to them, I’m probably just known as a quiet person.
It doesn’t make you pathetic that you have one friend, it just means you haven’t opened up to the right people yet. I hope you can go to these groups often and meet some new people
xx
Oh, Emma, I bet you’re so fun. I mean for real, because I know what it is like be smiling outside and dying inside.
I’ve lost all of my friends due to my ED, I’ve lost some in my recovery too. I shut myself from life. And getting back is difficult. I try to find time for people, usually it’s for coffee – so I do not feel obliged to stay for long if I’m getting anxious of the conversation is not going sound (which happens).
I suggest you take your time, but getting with real people, situations, life is important. Be kind but strict for yourself, pushing one forward always pays off.
xo.
Thanks Greta, it’s nice to know other people have lost friends as well but it’s also really sad. Pushing forward is so scary! But necessary, i know. I hope you can make some new friends now you’re in recovery
xx
You aren’t a crazy cat lady! (I am one!) You are a lovely girl. This makes me so sad because I know it’s true – ED pushes friends away. Mine did too. The majority of mine have been people I met through the ED – whether in treatment or through the internet ED world. I do have some non ED people but I never know what to say to them and feel boring and pathetic because I don’t have a LIFE.
xxx
Yes it is SO HARD to know what to say to people who ask what you do. I have the same problems. Especially if I were to get a job, what do I tell them about ‘where I was all these years’ or if my colleagues should ask what my last position was? I don’t want people to see me as someone with a mental illness because let’s face it, there IS stigma, and I don’t want to feel different for any reason. Perhaps later I might tell them, but first of all it would be awful.
Having said that, I usually stick to the truth. I guess I haven’t the energy to think of anything better, and it does teach me a lot about the true colours of whoever asked.
It’s really hard to rebuild your social life when all your friends have fallen away. I think perhaps something like taking up a class would be a good place for you to start. Something that you have always wanted to do, something you really love, and are passionate about. So the other people you meet there are already going to have a shared interest and you’ll have much to talk about already without having to go into too much about yourself at that point, perhaps if they ask you can simply say you are ‘taking some time off for now’ and leave it at that.
I’m aware a class (or something like this) would also be hugely challenging for you right now, but that’s something you will need to do in the future! It might help with the depression a bit, too.
Just keep on keeping on. I can’t imagine anyone NOT wanting to be your friend if they meet you and get talking with you. they just need to get to meet you in the first place! *hugs* I totally wish you lived near me so we could be real life friends
It’s so awkward isn’t it? Not knowing whether to say something, full on lie or just try to dodge questions.
A class sounds really helpful but is also very scary, but my counsellor has mentioned it might be a good goal for me. I’m really proud of you for going to ballet and pilates class
I cannot imagine doing anything as scary as that yet.
Aww thank you Fiona
Anyone would be crazy not to be your pal as well xxx
You know what? After the initial freak out about it, it wasn’t that scary after all. I think we build a lot of things up in our minds to be a lot more than they are.
xxx
I always try to remember that fear can’t hurt us, not really, it’s us who hurt ourselves with how we act and react/respond. If we stay with that fear, it feels horrible, sure, but after a while it starts feeling LESS horrible and we conquer it! Yet when we avoid it, the fear just grows greater!
It isn’t always easy to remember that… but you will get there and so will I, one fear at a time, one challenge at a time. Being ready is very important too. And I think you will know when you are. I wouldn’t have been ready a few months ago, but I was last week. I don’t know how I knew that, but deep down I just did even though I was still just as terrified!
*hugs* you ARE getting there
My relationship with my friends is much much better now that I no longer carry the weight of anxiety on my shoulders. I’m not afraid to see them so much. Go out with them. Eat with them. Drink with them. I get to actually BE with my friends now, all in all, my mind not constantly wandering to “I hope she doesn’t want to go out to eat…” or “How many calories are in this dinner he made me?” or “Everyone is drinking and having fun…but its SO many empty calories…I just can’t.” My conversation at the moment is somewhat boring though because it seems all I can talk about is one man…hehe…
And then in the end he’s the one I make the most time for/see most often. I can’t imagine trying to be with him and still having an eating disorder. And here I am taking him desserts at work all the time while he’s supposed to be on a diet. Former ED me would have KILLED me for that…I hope he doesn’t resent me for it…
Aww, talking about one guy is so cute
I’m really happy for you! Desserts at work = yummyness, i’m sure he appreciates it xx
He does, very much. He always tells me how talented and great I am. I’ve never felt more special or appreciated in my entire life. And I mean, I say I ruin his diet, but REALLY the man doesn’t eat…he needs more calories. So I should bring him more desserts. Hehe.
Thank you for not being too annoyed by me…if he didn’t affect my eating so much, I wouldn’t mention it…I’ve been losing weight again. Uhg.