I had the slightly irrational fear that my therapist would kind of, sort of… kick me out of treatment if I revealed to her that instead of having 3 healthy breakfasts like we’d discussed, I only had 2.
I was seriously anxious the night before, wondering if she’d get mad at me and tell me off. I hadn’t been for a walk 3 times either as I’d had a stomach bug. My other goal, though, was to get to therapy on time and independently – no lifts, just buses.
I completed the 3rd goal, but my failure of the other goals made me feel like I’d failed at life.
I didn’t have 3 healthy breakfasts even though I had 5 opportunities… I fail at life. There’s no way I’m going to get healthy and slim, I’m just going to stay disordered and A MILLION STONE from my goal weight.
This is how my brain works. I was on a downward spiral. But then, as I was on the 2nd bus to therapy, I realised that I got myself up on time, on both bus stops on time, and I’d get to therapy with a couple of minutes to spare.
I even had a wardrobe malfunction – the button above the zip of my jeans had come off – note: IT DID NOT PING OFF! It simply came off, I’d like to point that out. My tummy has not expanded since I bought them a couple of weeks ago, phew! – I’d forgotten. So my outfit I’d planned was a no-go. I improvised with a high-low maxi dress I hadn’t worn out before. It’s better to wear it with bare legs but I was too self-conscious so I teamed it with leggings.
I got there on time, and I’d had a text from the Bride saying it was fine for me to wear a cover up during the pictures and reception which means only about 20 minutes to 1 hour will I be showing my arms! I’m thrilled. In an ideal world I’d wear the cover-up the whole day but it isn’t my day, and I’ll take what covering up time I can get. I’m so pleased, I know I’ll be able to focus on the lovely couple rather than my bingo wings.
So despite not having completed all of my goals last week, I’m in a much better, happier place just knowing I completed 1 goal and can cover up my arms for my friend’s special day.
This week I have the task of having 4 healthy breakfasts – my chosen number, not my therapist’s – a half an hour walk everyday OUTSIDE (!!!) and getting to therapy on time and independently again.
These goals might seem a little bit pathetic to some, but my therapist was saying about setting realistic goals so that I can achieve them rather than skipping ahead and falling at the first hurdle.
What goals have you been set or set yourself that seem a tad trivial to others but mean a lot to you? Make me feel a bit better please, guys. My friends are trying to starting well-paid jobs and I’m just trying to leave the house everyday.
Emma
I hate when you have moments like that. “OMG, I haven’t done x, y, or z, I’m an absolute failure at LIFE, and I’m never gonna suceeeeeeeeeeed~”.
I’m glad that you picked yourself up.
The Downward Spiral would have been… Hmm. Well. I’m pretty sure we both know what it’s like when you hit the bottom of a Downward Spiral.
The next week will definitely be better! Even if you don’t fulfil EVERY goal, any goal that you do succeed at is better than failing at them all! And even if you don’t manage to complete them, at least you’re trying, right?
(Also: getting to therapy independently? Totally terrifying.
I always panic that I’m getting on the wrong bus, that I’m gonna miss my stop, that I’m gonna get on the wrong bus home, that I’m gonna be late even although I leave two hours early… it’s not easy! Big congrats for doing it.)
/babble
Before i reply to this comment i have to say i’ve been following your blog for over a year now and have an enormous amount of respect for you for going to the gym and zumba
The bottom of the downward spiral is not a nice place to be, i’m pleased i’m not there anymore
And yes, trying is the main thing! Getting to therapy on time is so much more stressful for some reason, probably the impending exploring of emotion or whatever. Thanks for commenting 
xx
i really big thing for me when i moved recently, was to drive off of our street and down a bit of a second street and come back without getting lost…i get lost very easy, even if i have been there many times before…i was shaking in my boots, my legs would hardly hold me up…but…i did it and i was proud…the next day i challenged myself to go further and i actually found a store, and found my way back…about a week later i forced myself through crippling fear to drive downtown to the main strip…i did it…i was so scared, i couldn’t enjoy the stores, because i was worried i’d still get lost coming back (this is all very straight forward driving too straight down and straight back) well shaking in my boots again, i headed for home…guess what…i got lost…made a wrong turn…i stopped asked someone for directions and made it home…now i can do these trips without incident. i know that may seem small to some, but to me..huge! good for you!
Well done! That does sound huge – when you said you were shaking in your boots, i could imagine the anxiety you felt. It must have taken a lot of courage to get in that car
Thanks for commenting 
xx
thank you! someone told me recently, run towards fear not away from it…that really stuck with me, and i wanted to run away LOL
Haha!
xx
I have never commented before, but thought I would do so now as I have some feedback
I think that your goals are amazing. All goals are relative to so many factors in an individuals life. Getting out and about is such an amazing feat to someone who struggles with fears and anxiety on a daily basis. Whilst others may find eating healthy easy, others find it overwhelmingly difficult. Others may be entering their dream jobs, with others working towards their degree. It’s so relative to where somewhere is in life. It is your own journey. Unique from anyone else’s.
One of my trivial goals seems like such an insignificant step to others. About 18 months ago, I become seriously ill, ended up in hospital and had several procedures, 3 blood transfusions, another million injections of drugs etc. This illness left me sleeping almost 24 hours a day. Whilst recovering I set myself a goal to walk for 10 min on the treadmill each day. That 10 min was amazingly difficult. Each week I would up the number of minutes. From 10, to 12 and so on. It’s crazy how 10 minutes of walking left me feeling like I had run a marathon! Now, 18 months later, I have run 2 half marathons, and have my third this weekend. I am also training for a full. Sorry to waffle on about me- but what I’m trying to say is that you can achieve absolutely anything you set your mind to. Small goals turn into big accomplishments. No matter how small you think your goals are, they are the start of something and can turn into something big if you let them. Just keep breaking things down into manageable bits like you are.
Things won’t break you if you break them down.
I think the main thing here is that you are working on change. You are actively trying to make your situation better. I wish you all the best. xx
Well first off thank you for commenting for the first time, you offered some valuable feedback!
I am so sorry you were so ill, but in awe of how far you’ve come. I would think of 10 minutes on the treadmill as insignificant, only 30 minutes at the very least means anything to me – and yet 10 minutes is how you got started and are able to be where you are today. Congratulations on completing 2 half marathons and good luck for this weekend! It really is amazing.
I want to start jogging but i always think i’ll never get there, but this comment has made me feel much more enthusiastic. Everytime i think of walking 10, 15 or 20 minutes is nothing and i shouldn’t bother, i’m going to remind myself of this comment, and remember that those minutes will help me when i feel comfortable jogging. Thank you
xx
I set myself goals all the time – writing, getting out of the house, meeting new people without acting like a complete ass, you name it. Sometimes I’m successful, sometimes not. I used to beat myself up about failing, but now I try to tell myself that tomorrow’s another day, and keep moving forward. I’m trying this new thing where I’m nicer to myself. It’s working out pretty well. I tell myself, you wouldn’t let someone else treat you like this, so why do you let yourself treat you like this? I’m tough-loving myself.
Haha tough-loving yourself, that sounds brilliant. And it sounds like it’s working, no one SHOULD treat you badly, neither should you, because you’re lovely, and don’t you forget it
One day can we both meet in person and act like complete asses please? I think this would be fun 
xx
For me, it’s sometimes just opening my Bible and reading one verse. Or making it all the way across the monkey bars on the playground. Did that for the first time today! First time in my life I’ve EVER finished them. I’m sure it looked really dumb to whoever was watching–a hefty young maiden grunting her way around the bars like an orangutan in yoga pants–but, good gracious, it felt good to finish them like I promised myself I would.
Sometimes, just getting out of bed and achieving basic hygiene is a big accomplishment. Wrote about that here…http://christibitesworld.blogspot.com/2012/06/small-good-thing.html
Congratulations on getting to the other end of the monkey bars! – I can’t say i’ve ever managed it. I used to say it’s because i had sensitive skin but i think there may be a ‘monkey bar’ gene. Some people can cross them, some people can’t. But you’re one of the ones who can
I just read that post and identified with it a lot – in the throes of depression it’s difficult finding the energy to get a shower and look presentable
xx
Well, I wouldn’t call those baby steps – I was set the same task by the very first therpist I had (getting to my appointment by myself) when I was 16 and I couldn’t do it. It didn’t help that all of the people who kicked the sh*t out of me at school lived between my house and the doctors where she worked, but I still bottled it and stayed confined to the house for the year after (I didn’t go back to see her – she was a crappy therapist who told me that perhaps drinking when I was out would loosen me up and help me to make social connections. No comment). Going outside again was the hardest thing I ever did – I started out with my parents and it took me…four years, I think, to go anywhere by myself.
I still can’t talk on the phone most days – I’d consider it a victory if I could ever do that. But I would regard your ‘small’ step as a real success – I can’t stop comparing myself to other people my age not on the level of jobs, but they have partners/husbands and I too socially backward for either (and ugly/fat according to my brain) but I think the willingness to push back against the anxieties that threaten to constrain us is the key, not the actual or perceived enormity of the task ahead.
xxx
Aw i didn’t know that about you Jess, that you didn’t leave the house by yourself for 4 years. That must have been terrible, i’m glad you’re in a better place now
I also can’t help but think about how some of my friends are getting married and yet i’m still single and in therapy – not the best catch
xx P.s. i will say this in every comment haha – you’re not fat or ugly Jess, there is NOTHING wrong with you.
Never mind what others achieve or which goals they have:) You must do whats right for YOU!
Keep on going!
Thanks, i love the name colourtheday
xx
Ahhhahahaha! I was just discussing “trivial goals” with PFH#1 where I’d decided yesterday if I got a project done, I would reward myself with streaming episodes of Food Network Star. And it worked like a charm. Seems completely dumb to everyone else, but to me it’s a big deal. Look kids, I’m just passionately in love with Alton Brown…we all gotta have our muses and motivational goals. He’s mine. Hehehehe. So you know, whatever works for you in the end. Really screw what anyone else thinks. Make it realistic, make it work for you, and when you see you CAN accomplish these goals, you’ll WANT to achieve more and more. You can give yourself bigger goals after you gain that confidence. Until then what you’re doing is fine, you can’t beat yourself up over it though. That is self-defeating. Focus on what you HAVE done rather than what you HAVEN’T done. Try doing something silly like rewarding yourself with silly things like I do. Another example of something I would do: “If I finish this project, I can pamper myself by painting my nails.” Little goals add up to big results. ^_^
Whatever floats your boat Miss Pistachio
Focusing on my achievements rather than my failures is such a huge hurdle for me, but i’m trying still! I went for a really long walk today and felt AMAZING about it 
And because of your own suggestion, i’m going to paint my nails tonight. It’s going to have to be a crazy colour because when i think of you i think of crazy colours – must be the pink hair haha
xx
Mine are “Baker Street” blue right now. I miss London so much I could break down and cry.
They aren’t trivial goals at all! I used to think I ‘should’ be able to just get up and do what everyone else was doing right away, and funnily enough I used to always end up falling down in a heap. My case manager explained it – imagine a staircase. Instead of taking one stair at a time, you try to take a giant leap to the top and end up not being able to make it, falling down to the bottom again! One step at a time and you will get there
My goals.. are very ‘trivial’ and I battle with the ‘this is pathetic in anyone else’s language’ feeling all the time. For example one of mine was to have full strength milk in my coffee instead of watered down milk – so that’s about an inch of milk’s difference in a day – not even going to make a difference – but then again it will make a HUGE difference because it’s changing your mindset.
Look at it this way – you aimed for what was it, 3 healthy breakfasts? And you achieved two of them? WELL DONE. That’s two more healthy breakfasts than you were doing before!
Well done, Emma, don’t lose sight of all you have done – and you have achieved a lot xxx
That’s a brilliant analogy, i swear therapists collect them and use them when you need a boost! I’m glad they do though, it helps get some perspective of our rationalities.
I’m really proud of you for having full strength milk in your coffee as i know you’ve said how you can get dehydrated because of your problems with water. So this IS a bit deal, well done
And like you said, it’s changing your mindset.
Thank you Fiona
xx
Thank you! I’m proud of YOU too
xx
I bet there is a library full of analogies somewhere! Can you imagine? Or they must have a handbook of them!