Alright, I’m going to admit something that I never usually admit.
I’m actually kind of … scared.
I had an attack of the heebie jeebies last night, something that’s been happening more frequently. I couldn’t sleep either and all in all managed 4 hours of half-asleep-enough-to-stay-in bed but -awake-enough-to-jump-out-of-my-skin-when-the-cat-decides-to-jump-on-my-pillow.
Not the best start. I also overate a lot yesterday and so had a stomach ache and along with the panic attack thought I would have food poisoning and die.
In therapy we’ve been covering some sensitive issues. I thought we might have gotten to the bottom of it during the last session but apparently we’ve just scratched the surface. There goes my wishful thinking.
The awkwardness that comes with dealing with issues is crying in front of someone whilst they wait patiently for you to stop crying. The natural response is to try to stop and I manage to do this successfully, but my therapist – who is truly brilliant, by the way – tells me to ‘sit with it’.
I’ve cried uncontrollably, sure. In the usual circumstances and frequently before I started antidepressants, but I’ve never cried fully in front of someone who isn’t my mum or a friend who was unfortunate to be at the wrong bar at the wrong time. I was depressed but didn’t really acknowledge it and ended up crying outside of the bar, in the taxi queue, in the taxi, in the kitchen (some toast to cure the drunkenness) and all the way through Dodgeball. I mean the film Dodgeball, we didn’t just randomly start throwing balls at each other.
The point is that these moments of despair are best kept private, in my opinion (says the girl who has an ED blog) and I don’t ‘just sit with it’ unless I have no option but to ‘sit with it’.
She explained that she felt like I was pushing it down, holding the tears back. She asked me why and I replied “Because if I let myself cry, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop.”
Every time she tells me to ‘sit with it’ I can’t stop myself crying. I didn’t know how hard it would be to just experience the sadness and let myself react to it. It’s horrible, like nothing will help; you’ll just sink deeper and deeper into a pool of depression and never re-surface.
And then I realised … this is why I binge. I don’t want to feel that emotion. Especially because I don’t know why I’ve got this sadness about me. I’m usually happy and smiling but behind closed doors I’m an emotional wreck. And I think that’s how I’ve managed to keep a façade for so long. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a ray of sunshine, I don’t walk around with a smile plastered to my face, but I don’t walk into a coffee shop about to tell everyone who’ll listen about my feud with the biscuit tin.
I suppose in order to stop bingeing and overeating compulsively I’m going to have to do a lot of ‘sitting with it’. Which is going to be tough, but I guess that’s why I need to sort out my issues; so every time I ‘sit with it’ it’ll get easier.
Do you sit with your emotion?