Alright, I’m going to admit something that I never usually admit.
I’m actually kind of … scared.
I had an attack of the heebie jeebies last night, something that’s been happening more frequently. I couldn’t sleep either and all in all managed 4 hours of half-asleep-enough-to-stay-in bed but -awake-enough-to-jump-out-of-my-skin-when-the-cat-decides-to-jump-on-my-pillow.
Not the best start. I also overate a lot yesterday and so had a stomach ache and along with the panic attack thought I would have food poisoning and die.
In therapy we’ve been covering some sensitive issues. I thought we might have gotten to the bottom of it during the last session but apparently we’ve just scratched the surface. There goes my wishful thinking.
The awkwardness that comes with dealing with issues is crying in front of someone whilst they wait patiently for you to stop crying. The natural response is to try to stop and I manage to do this successfully, but my therapist – who is truly brilliant, by the way – tells me to ‘sit with it’.
I’ve cried uncontrollably, sure. In the usual circumstances and frequently before I started antidepressants, but I’ve never cried fully in front of someone who isn’t my mum or a friend who was unfortunate to be at the wrong bar at the wrong time. I was depressed but didn’t really acknowledge it and ended up crying outside of the bar, in the taxi queue, in the taxi, in the kitchen (some toast to cure the drunkenness) and all the way through Dodgeball. I mean the film Dodgeball, we didn’t just randomly start throwing balls at each other.
The point is that these moments of despair are best kept private, in my opinion (says the girl who has an ED blog) and I don’t ‘just sit with it’ unless I have no option but to ‘sit with it’.
She explained that she felt like I was pushing it down, holding the tears back. She asked me why and I replied “Because if I let myself cry, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop.”
Every time she tells me to ‘sit with it’ I can’t stop myself crying. I didn’t know how hard it would be to just experience the sadness and let myself react to it. It’s horrible, like nothing will help; you’ll just sink deeper and deeper into a pool of depression and never re-surface.
And then I realised … this is why I binge. I don’t want to feel that emotion. Especially because I don’t know why I’ve got this sadness about me. I’m usually happy and smiling but behind closed doors I’m an emotional wreck. And I think that’s how I’ve managed to keep a façade for so long. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a ray of sunshine, I don’t walk around with a smile plastered to my face, but I don’t walk into a coffee shop about to tell everyone who’ll listen about my feud with the biscuit tin.
I suppose in order to stop bingeing and overeating compulsively I’m going to have to do a lot of ‘sitting with it’. Which is going to be tough, but I guess that’s why I need to sort out my issues; so every time I ‘sit with it’ it’ll get easier.
Do you sit with your emotion?
Emma
loved.this.post. That’s it here, too.. and to make you giggle, everytime i hear “sit with it”, i want to throw a chair at him.
All of us have stuff we don’t want to feel, and some of us it’s about anything negative… sounds like you’re working hard, and it’ll pay off in the end. (at least thats what they tell me!)
Haha I’m not surprised! It’s a horrible feeling. Thank you, i hope it pays off for both of us
xx
So much of this is me, too. I’m very, very bad at sitting with it; I’m very good at pushing it way down and doing everything I can to deaden it so I don’t have to think about it anymore. I’ve actually said the EXACT phrase “Because if I let myself cry, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop” to someone before. It’s true, too. I absolutely feel that way. It’s why I do my crying privately, for the most part.
I’m so proud of you that you’ve come to this realization – that’s a huge step on your way to recovery. Your therapist sounds awesome.
I hope you get some sleep. I’ve been sleep-deprived lately, too – tons of stress. I know how tough it is.
Also, your Dodgeball comment made me laugh right out loud.
Lots of support & hugs from your internet big sister!
Aww i want to give you an internet lil sister hug! I’m so pleased with the response to this blog post but at the same time it means lots of people are having the same difficulties and that’s just so sad.
I’m glad the dodgeball thing made you lrol (i can totally see this catching on) and i hope you get loads of sleep, like the sleeping beauty kind of sleep!
xx
I can relate so much to this. I rarely ever cry to people, and crying by myself seems kind of pointless. I just prefer to push the feelings away, which I do with food.
When I got kicked out by my grandparents, I kept apologizing to the only friend I told, saying sorry over and over for involving her in my mess, for making her deal with my breakdown. She gave me some good advice. “Stop apologizing for being sad and let it out. You’re worth being listened to.”
Your so brave to be in therapy. I’m still copping out!
Aww your friend sounds really supportive
A lot of people think of therapy as a bit of a cop out in itself, like asking for help, but talking to someone one on one where you know it’s confidential takes away the pressure of thinking about being judged or whether your relationship to that person is going to change.
Don’t feel bad about copping out; you’ve gone to the doctors which is a HUGE step!
xx
I often cry in my therapist’s office, but am always embarrassed by it. I’ll cry infront of Adam at the drop of a hat though – I bawled the entire way through Blue Valentine for instance… and then bathed in what seemed like a bath of my own tears afterwards, while trying to pull myself together.
Aww! It’s lovely that you can cry freely in front of Adam
But it’s much more awkward in the therapist’s office haha xx
What a truly honest post, thank you so much for sharing that with us, I know it must have been a bit difficult.
I think you are reaching a turning point in understanding yourself on a deeper level and can only encourage you to stick with it, sometimes the more uncomfortable it feels, the more it’ll help in getting over your issues.
From personal experience, the reasons for binge eating can be a right mental-masturbation. It can be very good to become more aware of it and trace it back.
A psychology understanding would be that it stems from either Anger (Hurt) or Anxiety (Loss) and either way, binge eating is the result of not dealing with it in the right manner.
You may have heard of the ‘flight or fight’ response which we have as part of our psychological make-up. It’s what our ancient ancestors used to survive from predators, hunt for food and basically stay alive.
Today, we’ve become so self-aware and complexed beings, we’ve almost become disassociated with our natural instincts.
Binge Eating, to me, is a flight response to emotions, albeit anger or anxiety, from a lack of well-being or a lack of confidence. Instead of fighting through it, Fathering yourself by using courage and taking risks, we almost ‘opt out’ and avoid dealing with it in the right manner for many reasons.
I think it is important to take responsibility for your problems but also without too much blame on yourself. Personally, understanding how it works has made me deal with many of my issues in a positive manner.
Awareness is the first step.
Thank you, it was difficult to write but the responses from people are great, so thank you for yours.
I think you’re completely right, the binge eating is a symptom of not dealing with some deep emotion and by avoiding it we’re following our instincts. It also makes sense that in order to ‘fight’ our problems we need the right tools and awareness.
Thank you for this
xx
I remember being depressed. It was for such a short time in my life, only one winter, so about 6 months, but it was by far the worst 6 months of my life. I hope that you can find real true happiness and not have to put on a front. I remember having to pretend that I was happy and that everything was ok and it was terrible. Sitting with it doesn’t work particularly well, something inside has to change. And I think that “thing” is different for everyone. I so hope you find yours, you deserve to be happy.
Depression is awful, i’m glad you’re past it. Thank you for your lovely comment , you deserve to be happy as well
xx
i can tell you from experience, that sitting with it is really intense and painful, but it only lasts a short time, then it passes and there is relief and the issue that caused the pain will let you go for good then…my therapist has taught me to focus on something and stay present through the pain…it is both amazing how painful it is, and then how freeing after!
Yes i’ve experienced a sense of relief afterwards, it’s so odd! But it also cements the feeling that it will be worth it in the end
xx
i wish none us had to be in a place to have to go through it! but at least there is a way out!
You are doing what needs to be done, the hard thing – sitting with it!
I have learnt that these feelings cannot kill us. they hurt, they are agony, uncomfortable, but they cannot hurt us, it’s our reactions to them that hurt us. I’m learning acceptance and staying present too, like Buckwheatsrisk said..
it’s worth it, I know that much.
Sending huge hugs, keep up the good work. It’s NOT going to be this hard forever xxx
Thanks Fiona, it better be worth it! Haha, virtual hugs to you too; sitting with it is difficult
xxx
I say that all the time, better be worth it!!! And then I remember, what I was doing wasn’t working so I have nothing to lose! And neither have you
ps I just saw the ‘lend me your brain’ bit for the comments.. can we swap instead? xxx
” I don’t want to feel that emotion.” – Most victims of eating disorder are emotional people who are having a hard time expressing what they feel. I feel you on this, as I myself have experienced it. Thanks for sharing your story. Very inspiring.