In my counselling session we were talking about weight. Well, we weren’t, but I brought it round to weight because I can do that about most topics:
“Are you going to the cinema?”
“Depends on whether I can cope with possibly needing the loo halfway through and therefore having to get up and show everyone the silhouette of my body.”
*
“It’s nice weather today.”
“I’m too hot because I’m suffocating in layers of fat.”
*
“Is that a cat?”
“If I sat on a cat, it would never again see the light of day.”
“…It would turn into a vampire?”
“That is correct.”
She had said I should ask her anything because she’ll be honest. We both found out just how much I think people are thinking about what a monstrosity I am and that I should ask her if I wanted to know what she was thinking. When I mentioned weight I must have looked a bit embarrassed and she asked me why. I said “I think you’re trying to guess my weight, or that you’ll ask me.”
She replied. “It didn’t even cross my mind.”
I did not believe her. I still don’t, really, because maybe she wasn’t, maybe it genuinely wasn’t what she was thinking about. She said she was thinking about how my family work together and our relationships.
I said “I can’t see how you wouldn’t be thinking about my weight, because it’s such a big deal to me that I assume it must be a big deal to everyone else.”
Boom.
Pow.
Right there. One of those CLICK moments. That’s my problem. I am obsessed with my weight/appearance/social interactions, so much so that I assume everyone else is obsessed as well. It’s my problem, and yet I’m making it everyone else’s problem.
Except they don’t know that: I don’t go round with ‘ASHAMED’ stamped on my forehead. I internalise it. I hunch my shoulders and walk with my head down and then go into a news agents and get something forbidden. So the problem which is mine, which I think is everyone else’s but is really mine, then becomes this eating problem, which only affects me. I am sabotaging myself over and over again because of what I think, and then what I think other people think, and then how I react to the thinking by overeating or bingeing.
Does this make sense? No, it doesn’t make sense to me either. And that’s part of the problem.
Emma
You probably think I am some nutter who is now officially stalking you. It’s true – except for the nutter part.
Anyways, I’m loving your blog…and your post from today is particularly good, because you are starting to crack things open and shed some light into some dark corners.
It is my belief that people who coast through life and weight loss, without addressing their issues, are almost always doomed to repeat them. So good on you for seeking therapy and experiencing these Kaplow moments.
Here is the thing – your therapist is right. Yes there are people who will occasionally judge you, but for the most part, people are looking at you and thinking what how pretty you are, what great hair you have, that your cheekbones are spectacular and your curves are rockin’.
After I managed to lose a substantial chunk of weight, I seemed to receive a lot of comments that went like this: “I don’t even remember you like that. I never looked at you and saw you as overweight. I saw my friend. I saw a beautiful woman who dresses well and cares for people. I saw a human being.”
I can promise you….I was the size of a beach ball 3 years ago.
Haha ooh goody, a stalker
You’re right, people are thinking about their own lives rather than mine, i don’t know why i obsess so much. It’s brilliant that your friends are so lovely about weight loss
Thank you for commenting! xx
I feel you.
I noticed something. For me, it seems as if obsessions about my weight / size / etc only come in attacks, like anxiety. Right now, I am having one of those attacks.
I’m at my high weight. You know, every woman has that scary scale number. I’m there, and I’m freaking out. I realized something. I don’t actually like the way I look. I tolerate the way I look because I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I will never be any smaller than this.
And it’s during these times, the ones where I am fed up with my life of constantly being overweight and never remembering a time that I was within my healthy BMI, I go overboard.
I look at thin girls, and wonder if they’re looking back at me in disgust. I would be. I catch a glimpse of myself, and see this great hair and these radiant eyes. And then I see that big, fat shoulder. I wonder if that’s all people see when they look at me. All of the flesh that doesn’t belong there that I wish I could just gather with my hands and rip off of my body.
Ugh, I suppose I’m going to have to face facts now. There is something going on with me and body image sometimes.
It does sound like you’ve got some body images
We do all have that number on the scale, the daunting number but unfortunately i passed that long ago… bit depressing 
xx
I know what I need to do to get to the weight I want to be at, but I have no idea how to get to the weight I should be at. It’s just about getting the willpower to get there.
I’ll be alright. I don’t know if my body image issues are commonplace, but some days, especially when my clothes aren’t fitting right anymore, I just go nuts. *sigh*
We’ll get there!!!
And I forgot to hit the little checkbox. LOL.
It actually makes perfect sense to me. I think It is hard for people to understand unless they have suffered from anxiety or eating disorders. Lately, I have been having many “click” moments thanks to therapy. Each time I have one and properly process it, it helps me take one more step in the right direction. Yes, the journey is long, but all that matters is that you continue to put one foot in front of the other and focus on one day at a time. My anxiety CBT is teaching me how to practice acknowledging my distorted thoughts, but learning not to believe them or give them power over my actions. Each time I do something that challenges my boundaries and exposes me to something I would otherwise avoid, I realize how much my mind has been tricking me all of this time. It is scary to realize how much it is possible to lie to yourself and it makes it hard to know exactly what to trust, yet it also helps you start thinking through your thoughts to see if they are valid or just another distortion. I don’t know if this rambling even makes sense, but I definitely think that this was an extremely important “CLICK” for you to have and you are on your way to beating this. You have the strength to do it. And, I am here with you in case you need me. xoxo ♥
Thank you, you’re so sweet
I forgot what click moments were like but it’s amazing isn’t it, when you finally realise something that was staring you in the face. I’m so pleased therapy is working for you as well, it takes HARD WORK so well done! 
xx
I definitely understand everything you’re talking about. I talked about very similar worries today with my therapist and was inspired to put my self worth in another place. Check out the video clip “Miss Representation.” I think you’ll appreciate it like I did.
Keep up the great posts. You are awesome.
I watched the video, i want to see the entire film now
It’s so interesting, but it also makes me sad that i’m not the only one who feels this way. It’s nice to know there are so many other people in therapy though 
xx
At least you’re aware of these thoughts.
My take on it is – we all have a replay of thoughts going on in our head, and they’re natural in the sense that we’ve believed we’re a certain way so this belief system replays again and again like a monotonous tape. It’s become so repetitive that we assume that must be the way it is, but once we start noticing the thoughts, not pushing them away or judging them as bad, we can at least catch them in mid-flow
My therapist suggests simply noticing the thoughts rather than punishing ourselves for having them.
Mine often goes “there’s something wrong with my body” “there’s something wrong with me” “I wonder what’s wrong with me” “what’s wrong with me?” but when I notice these in action it’s like I can say to myself calmly “oh interesting -another fear thought” – I’m not trying to do anything with the thoughts or resist them, but just noticing them for what they are sometimes helps.
xx
That’s really interesting, it makes sense that acknowledging these thoughts is the first step. I’m trying to do the same although like you say, it’s almost as if our thoughts/beliefs are facts. Good luck with the therapy
xx
You make perfect sense to me, and the three lovely ladies above me have said it all!
Our minds lie so much to us. Case in point, my close friend has spent the last year convinced she was failing her honors degree. Convinced that she would never get a job tutoring. Convinced she could not paint.
She got first class honors on her degree -the highest you can get. She got 5 tutoring pupils within a day of making herself available. She continues to paint the most amazing works of art.
These are all lies that the ED told her. The point of these lies was to convince her she would NEVER amount to anything in life, so fighting the ed was pointless, she might as well retreat to ed’s safe arms.
We think of food and weight more than most people – all.the.time. We define ourselves and our lives by our weight and our intake. I have a list of memories during my life, overshadowed by weight. Won this award, my weight was X. Met this amazing person, my weight was X. Memories of amazing times that I can’t remember anything but the feeling of fatness, ugliness, fear and shame that everyone else there was staring at me and behind my back, disgusted at me.
Nothing could have been further from the truth.
Lies, again, all lies.
Another thing we do – we focus on bits, instead of the whole. We see our ‘big nose’, we see our ‘thunder thighs’, we agonise over all the little bits. We can’t see that we are beautiful because all we can see is this one little flaw that has become everything that WE are.
Most other people don’t even notice that perceived ‘flaw’ – because they see us as a WHOLE. You aren’t your bum, you aren’t you hair, you aren’t your eyebrows, you aren’t your nose, you are a whole person. A WHOLE person.
A whole, BEAUTIFUL person.
That woman in the photo at the top of your blog? I think she is AMAZING. Not only because you ARE beautiful, but because you are beautiful INSIDE too, as i have found from reading your blog posts and my exchanges with you.
I’m glad you had that ‘click’ with your therapist – life’s too short and too precious to let the ed thoughts be literally your prison door. You deserve better.
xoxoxo
So do you Fiona, so do you
Thank you, you’re a lovely person and i hope you can take on board the lovely compliments you give to other people – you deserve them as well my dear.
It’s so easy to see us as parts of ourselves but yeah, we look at other people as a whole, why shouldn’t we look at ourselves that way?
xx
Ah… you know my secret, I think it’s probable that you share my secret – I’m good at seeing the awesome-ness in others, like in you, but for myself? Nada. Blind as a bat. And i think, unable to like myself enough to dare to compliment myself right now.. itwill come with time I hope. xxx
So interesting to read this from a therapist perspective. I think it makes sense that if there is a preoccupation then you will push that on to someone else (this is not just about food or weight this is anything and everything in life!) but also I think it is great that you both named it in the session and you could think more… I love that you had a click moment, I hope you can learn from it, and not internalise so many bad weight related feelings.
Thank you very much for visiting my blog
http://www.styleonthecouch.com
Thank you for commenting, im glad you found it an interesting post and i agree with everything you said
xx
It absolutely makes sense! This is incredibly lame, but anytime I wear a strapless dress, I am completely convinced that everyone around me is as horrified by my fat arms as I am. LOL
Aww i’m sure you have lovely arms, and if people look at all it is to admire them! Haha
xx